why don't I leave it alone?

A Mormon saying is that people like me "leave the church, but can't leave it alone." If I've left, why do I keep blogging about it? Why do I keep reading and studying about it? Several months ago, a friend asked me these kinds of questions. The following is adapted from my reply to him.

Why still study the church? Because it had a huge impact on my life, how I think, how I feel, and who I am down to my very being, the deepest recesses of my soul. There are some things that are easy to cast off--garments, weekly attendance, daily scripture study. But deeper, there are things that are so engrained and so seemingly natural, that I don't even realize they aren't mine. It's hard to realize what is Mormon and what is not, ways of thinking, mindsets, etc. I feel I need to pick that apart, question my assumptions, and figure out who I am and what I want.

Additionally, much of what impacted me was negative. It hurt. Sometimes I feel betrayed by and angry at the church, the institution and the theology. I wonder how the church's system of socialization could be so powerful as to render me incapable for 25 years of truly questioning it. I seek to understand that.

For example, the church makes this very conversation we're having subversive and heretical. Are you feeling guilty about this exchange? Or at least like you can't talk about it openly? Many people and even churches recognize youth and young adulthood as a great time to question assumptions and authority, and to have doubts and to explore themselves and their world; they see this as not only healthy but even necessary for personal growth. I've witnessed this preached over the pulpit in a Catholic church. Some teach that doubt is an integral part of faith.

The Mormon church does not allow for that. To question and explore is not healthy and necessary, but heretical, unfaithful, dangerous, wandering in the dark and dreary wilderness, letting go of the rod, stupid, difficult, struggling with testimony, rebellious, ark-steadying, etc. It requires repentance. It is a sin. I need to understand my past, my upbringing, my family. There's plenty about the church I still want to know. There's plenty of anger and confusion and sadness I need to work through. This is why I not only read, but discuss with other ex-Mormons. Jan Schipps (a non-Mormon academic who studies Mormonism) once explained it as "ex-mormon testimony meetings." Ex-mormons like to get together and talk about Mormonism; it reinforces decisions, reassures and encourages, creates community--exactly what Mormon testimony meetings do.

The church molded me. Now I've got to remold myself, and I can't do that by ignoring the church.