if I'm out, why do I keep talking about it?
Yesterday, I wrote that, with the church, I'm either in or out. (Link to post.) I half expected for someone (a TBM troll) to comment, "If you're out, why did you still post about it every day? Aren't you still entrenched in it?" I've already posted about why I don't just leave it alone (link to post, scroll down) and why I'm blogging (link to post), but I think I have something different to say.
I'm out of the church, so why am I not out of blogging about it? To answer, let me define that "it." "It," that broad subject that encompasses everything I write about, is not the "Mormon church," or the "LDS church," or even "Mormonism." Rather, the "it" I write about is "ex-Mormonism," "recovering from Mormonism," "post-Mormonism," "what it's like to be a former Mormon, "and "my experience in and impressions of the LDS church and Mormonism, looking back at it from the point of view of an ex-Mormon."
Subtle difference? Not to me.
An ex-Mormon writing about Mormonism and an ex-Mormon writing about ex-Mormonism are very different things. You can find ex-Mormons writing about Mormonism in pro-Mormon forums, such as By Common Consent, Times and Seasons, Feminist Mormon Housewives, Sunstone, etc. From what I've seen (and I haven't seen much), some ex-Mormons will generally write in such a way that faithful Mormons wouldn't be able to identify them, or at least wouldn't be too alarmed by what they say. (I could only identify them because I know them from other venues.) They'll discuss things that aren't discussed in church, to be sure, but they talk about doctrine and issues from within the Mormon paradigm, even while they actually operate outside of it. It's an amazing talent, and it takes a certain level of "I've gotten over it" post-Mormon-ness, rather than "I'm still angry" ex-Mormon-ness.
Some would say it takes a lot of equivocating, and maybe some dishonesty. But I don't think so. It's possible to talk about fictional characters as if they existed, for example, while knowing all the while they are fictional. In fact, I would list that as a indication of well-developed characters and setting. Kudos to the author. So why not talk about Nephi, Adam, Moroni, along with Harry, Aragorn, or Mrs. Dalloway? (Not to say Nephi is a well-developed character, but you get my point, right?)
But I'm not there yet. I can't talk from within the Mormon paradigm. But I hope to be able to someday. And though I doubt I'll ever get into the Bloggernacle, I would like to be able to discuss things religious with my family and not have every word I say scream, "I'm not Mormon anymore!" Because while I'm not Mormon anymore (I could write a whole 'nother post about whether or not I am), it's conducive to productive discussion with Mormons to speak from within the paradigm.
But for this blog, I'm not trying to speak from within the Mormon paradigm. I'm trying to look back at the Mormon paradigm from the outside, from a new paradigm, and analyze who I was then and who I am now, and how I became that way.
(And why do I spend so much time defending myself?)
5 comments:
It kind of feels like you have to defend yourself even before you voice any thoughts, doesn't it? Because you KNOW what they will come at you with, or not, depending on how "prompted by the spirit" they feel on your behalf. I know my non-mo husband thought I was being paranoid, when I told him I didn't want to answer the door or the phone the first few days after letting the bishop and the other primary presidency members know I was quitting because I didn't believe anymore. Then the letters started coming, and a few phone calls, and he started to see why I might feel that way.
Work it out the way that feels best to you.
I think I avoided this whole situation by moving a lot. And I spent 10 years away from mormonism, thinking I'd gotten past it all, only to turn up in the damu with a few kinks still to work out. I make no apologies about that bit about not leaving the church alone - I am not bothering the church in any way. I'm working out my own life, which has nothing to do with the church. That said, I've had to grow a thick skin for a lot of things in life, so that's helped too.
EFTA, I really love your blog, I've read the whole thing. Fab thinking, fab writing.
wry catcher, you said "I make no apologies about that bit about not leaving the church alone - I am not bothering the church in any way. I'm working out my own life, which has nothing to do with the church." I like the way you put that. That helps me.
SML- I never got more than a couple calls, but they were pretty insistent when they did call. We felt no obligation to talk to our bishop, even to tell him we're not coming/we don't believe anymore. Just stopped going. Why should we talk to a man who was barely an acquaintance about our personal spirituality and beliefs? If he had been a friend, I probably would have told him--as a friend.
Same here. I sent my bishop a note that said I wanted to be released immediately from my calling , and that I didn't want to be put on the top of the ward's inactives to contact list. That I felt it was intrusive and rude.
I got one phone call from him and all he said was, "Just want you to know I'm here if you want to talk." I said thanks and he said goodbye. That was that. He was just an acquaintance too.
Some of our friends talked to the bishop when they left, but I just didn't feel the need to tell him anymore than I felt the need to tell the garbage man. What is he to me? (In fact, the garbage man means more to me, 'cause he actually renders a service.)
Post a Comment