"I don't want to talk about it"
Is it always better to talk about it? Or are some things better left unsaid? If a TBM tells me, “I don’t want to talk about religion,” fine, I won’t bring it up. But religion is so important to me and to TBMs, to make religion a non-subject shuts off huge chunks of our selves. Some refer to this as the elephant in the room, or the 800 pound gorilla.
But that evokes something outside ourselves, and I feel like I’m closing off something inside myself. A section that is kept in the dark and will shrivel up and die.
If I can’t present my true self to my family, especially, what does that make me? In the closet? Yeah, they know of my disaffection, but they don’t know my opinions on the church, or why I left. They don’t know what I disagree with, and, more importantly, they don’t know what values, morals, and beliefs I now hold. They don’t want to talk about it.
If I bring it up, will they just see it as me throwing it in their faces? Will they take it as an affront to their beliefs? I’m not talking about saying, “Did you know Joseph Smith has 11 wives who were already married to other men?” or “Did you know Parley Pratt was killed by a man whose wife he had stolen, without her divorcing the first husband?” I'm thinking, “I support gay marriage,” or “I think a couple choosing to have no children is legitimate,” or “I don’t think the principle of obedience to authority should trump personal conscience.” Shouldn’t I be able to present myself and my thoughts to them? Is it always better left unsaid? I can’t think so.
7 comments:
I tried to get my wife's reaction to Warren Jeffs' arrest a few months back. She refused and eventually told me it was because she knew I would turn it into a conversation about Joseph Smith. This led to her proclaiming that perhaps all the Egyptologists in the world might not actually know how to read ancient Egyptian. Shocking.
I don't know how to not talk about religion when it comes to bed with me at night and is there waiting for me first thing in the morning every day. I say, be yourself and talk about whatever is on your mind.
I agree. I think it is diminishes our humanity when we can't speak from our experiences, both inner and outer. I think too that one of the painful things for me about orthodox mormonism, is the way it can become this tremendous rift in families. My sister and her husband left the church maybe five years ago or more. At one point before they got married, her husband wanted to consider going through the temple to be married because it would make his family happy. I think that is really sad, because the "self" he is presenting to them, is not him. I know differences can be painful, but I think they can also be constructive and ultimately I hope that is what families will choose - to know each other. Maybe that didn't make much sense, but just some random thoughts as I read your post.
I love to toss something uncomfortable in for conversation. If they don't like it I get all self-righteous and pretentious and accuse them of not being able to have a reasonable debate. ;)
I can't even comprehend how much more heavy that gorilla would be if he was in my own home. I feel for you, man. Welcome.
Julie-Hi! I like that phrase "diminishes humanity." I think that sums it up well. You sis and husband didn't get married in the temple, did they?
rebecca- nice. I'm afraid I am too non-confrontational; I don't like to stir things up. But I'm getting better at it. (I'm not confrontational enough. I should move to NYC.) If I did say stuff, I hate that my family would then interpret my behavior as anti-Mormon or "lacking in the Spirit."
I think it is impossible to avoid the "rift" with orthodox Mormons who believe the Mormon Church is the only true church because it doesn't allow for dialogue. They will not consider any opinions that differ from the Church's doctrines. However, some of them will listen politely and respect my right to have a different opinion. Others don't.
This is how I handle it. I am genuine. I have liquor and coffee in my house when family members come over because that is part of my life. (I started out hiding it not to upset them.) I have books and magazines I know they won't approve of. I bring up my opinions in discussions and talk about my life honestly. I live with my boyfriend. I live my life honestly.
However, I don't start arguments. They know how I feel, and I know how they feel. So, if they start an argument because of something I've said that they disagree with, I calmly say we believe different things and that is okay with me. If they aren't okay with it, at least I'm okay with myself.
When I'm genuine about who I am, I feel good about myself.
I feel so much better about myself than I did 12 years ago when I left the Church. It takes time. I feel the betrayal and get angry, but not for long and I'm much more at peace with everything.
I have had therapy for it which has been great. My therapist has really helped me learn how to be myself and figure out what I think as opposed to what the Church told me I was supposed to think.
Whenever I find myself getting hurt and angry about my family thinking I "don't have the TRUTH (TRUTHTRuthtruth...echo dies down)" I try to remember to do what Lorelai Gilmore does - find it all amusing. It doesn't always work, but it often does. And then I like to think they get a little niggling self-doubt as they feel nasty and I obviously am full of secret mirth.
I like your approach, afm. Be yourself, live honestly and openly, but no need to start arguments.
My family has yet to visit my home since my disaffection, but I can imagine, at first, I'll hide the coffee maker. Eventually, they'll realize I'm happy and not changing back and accept it. And eventually I'll learn that they're happy and they're not changing, and accept it. Eventually.
And I'll have to remember Lorelai's advise: just laugh at it.
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