exiting emotions

I was raised to believe that all negative emotion was, at best, a loss of the Spirit, and at worst, straight from the devil. Conversely, positive emotion came from God and my living worthy enough to enjoy the presence of the Spirit. Any emotion or mood would be categorized into one or the other of the camps: from God or from the devil. If I didn't feel happy, it was because I was doing something unworthy of God's presence. If I was happy, it was because God approved of what I was doing.

Of the devil: wanting to be alone, sadness, nervousness, fear, the blues, Monday-itis, restlessness, confusion, dread, disappointment, anger, defensiveness, wanting revenge, laziness, agitation, angst.

Of God: happiness, joy, peace, calmness, friendliness, sociability, confidence, certainty.

Because of this simplified, messed up view of the range of human emotions, negative emotions have been especially hard for me to confront and understand. As another former Mormon friend of mine put it, "You've had to learn to be angry." I've had to pick them apart, and figure out that, for example, the fear I experienced was not Satan leading me away from The Truth and toward hell, but a natural reaction to realizing I did not, after all, have a clear and easy plan of salvation laid out before me. Avoiding talking to my family was not loss of the Spirit, but an understanding that I would hurt them if they knew.

During and after the process of realizing Mormonism isn't all it claims to be, I felt a fury of emotions. Some were positive, and many were negative. Thankfully, I was in contact with other exit-ers and ex-mos who reassured me that I was anything but alone in those feelings. Knowing that others felt what I felt was helpful to assuage the emotions somewhat, but I still felt them keenly. I'm still working through them, though they are not as painful as they used to be.

Some of these emotions were

betrayal
anger
grief/loss
confusion
sadness
fear
jealousy
guilt
helplessness

I couldn't even begin to recreate in which order these emotions came, so I won't try. I feel like they came together in one big whirlwind, swirling around, making life hell for a while. I'll take a few posts to discuss them.