telling friends

Since I am so far from my old Mormon friends, my lack of P.D.B. haven’t clued in anyone about my current stance on the church. Instead, I have to confront the decision of to tell or not to tell anytime I’m going to see or talk to an old friend.

So far, I’ve only told two. Both were the types of what are called borderlanders (Sunstone term), other-believers (my term), liberal, intellectual, or internet Mormons. (I’d never explicitly labeled them or hear them label themselves, but once I was “out,” I developed a kind of other-mo-dar [in the vein of gay-dar]). They were both already exposed to exmos and had dealt with having loved ones leave. Because of that, they were pretty easy to tell. Still, telling one of them, over the phone, I cried. It was out of the blue for her, and it was the very first time I specifically verbalized to a Mormon, “I left the church.” (The other had asked, so I told.)

I was having this conversation with her about another acquaintance who left the church, and he and his wife went their respective ways because of it. I say how that's so horrible when divorce happens because of a changing belief system. And my heart is pounding out of my chest, and I'm nervous and sweating, and I'm thinking, "I can't have this kind of conversation with her without telling her about me." I stopped the conversation.

"Josie*, I have to tell you," I said significantly.
"Yes," she answered, as if she knew I had something to tell her. It was a statement, not a "Yes?"
“We’re not…in the church anymore. We’re not going.” Or something like that.

After a very short silence, she exclaimed, “From the ashes, that’s amazing!” And she was sincere. I was relieved. She understands. She’s supportive. She’s in, but out, but in herself. It was so good to tell someone who didn’t then call me to repentance or cry herself to sleep (you didn't, did you?).

I can’t imagine many of my other friends would be understanding. They won’t think it’s amazing. They won’t accept that I used my brain to come to the conclusions I did. (But that's the problem with me, isn't it? I used my brain instead of my feelings. I didn't pray about my decision and wait for a good or bad feeling. I thought about it, and decided that good or bad feelings aren't useful indicators of truthfulness.) Some of them, I imagine, will end the friendship.

And that’s sad. Really, really sad.

Have you, readers, lost friendships?

*Not her real name, but if she reads this, she'll know how I came up with it.