marriage covenant
I once read on a faithful Mormon board a thread about in-out marriages. That is, one spouse has left the church, the other is still a faithful believer. Most agreed that divorce was the best option. (This is a pro-family religion?) “After all,” one poster said, “if the apostate spouse has broken the temple covenants, how can the faithful spouse trust him/her to keep the marriage covenants?”
Given what I’ve said about the irrelevance and dissolving of church covenants, and given that marriage is one of the temple covenants, the poster’s comment was—albeit appalling—somewhat fair for the question to arise. It does, at the very least, cross people’s minds.
As I’ve posted before, I called everything into question when my Mormon world view shattered. Everything. Some things were easy to resolve and rebuild, and some questions are still processing (Is there a God?). So the fact that people call into question their marriages isn’t that surprising.
There was a moment—a very brief moment—when I even doubted my husband. We were both exiting at the same time, but we didn’t discuss our changing beliefs with each other much. When he brought up the idea of actually not believing, I freaked out. I had married a faithful believer, and now he’s dropping hints that maybe he might not be a believer? Who was this man? Had he been faking it all along? Can I trust him?
Those thoughts lasted about three seconds. It didn’t take much for me to remember that 1) he had, indeed, been a faithful believer; 2) he is extremely intelligent and if he’s coming to these conclusions, there must be something there; 3) he’s a really good person; and 4) he’s never given me any reason to distrust him. I also knew that I wanted to be married to this man, and I wanted it to stay that way.
When we married, the church influenced the match, yes. In fact, we wouldn’t have met had we not been Mormon: we're another BYU-dating success story. And the church influenced how quickly we got married (though we dated much longer than most BYU students).
But the church had not made our marriage. We decided to get married, and whatever the temple sealing ceremony said, we married each other in love and commitment. The interpersonal commitment to our marriage is far stronger than a covenant to some unseen God or church.
10 comments:
I read something similar on a faithful LDS messageboard (why oh why do I even lurk there?). I was shocked to find out that these women would find it easier to forgive an affair than their husband leaving the church. It boggles my mind.
I don't find it "somewhat fair." I'm married to a non-member man and feel so ashamed of myself for ever wondering if I was expected to divorce him to gain eternal life.
How can we hold sacred temple covenants or baptismal covenants if we discover that the church we believed in was founded fraudulently? It makes no sense.
It's sickening to me to read about all the wife swapping and intermarrying that went on in JS and BY times. They thought it was justified too, in the name of God. It makes me ill.
I am also married to a non-member man, but I met him as I was exiting the church. He has been the greatest blessing to me.
Even my brother, who is a TBM, told us that he wanted a marriage like ours. I had to bite my cheek because I wanted to say that getting out of the church made my marriage stronger. LOL
Anyway... good luck and have a great life.
OH yea... my fam... knew JS and BY... one of my great-great- grandmother's was told by Brigham Young that she had to burn her journals because she had too many true things about the church leaders written there. AND she did it. (snort)
I am also married to a non-member man, but I met him as I was exiting the church. He has been the greatest blessing to me.
Even my brother, who is a TBM, told us that he wanted a marriage like ours. I had to bite my cheek because I wanted to say that getting out of the church made my marriage stronger. LOL
Anyway... good luck and have a great life.
OH yea... my fam... knew JS and BY... one of my great-great- grandmother's was told by Brigham Young that she had to burn her journals because she had too many true things about the church leaders written there. AND she did it. (snort)
I was raised to put the church before anything--including spouse. I'm glad that when the critical moment came, I chose wisely.
I have many, many thoughts on how the idea of eternal marriage ruins marriages, both between TBMs and in in-out marriages. I'll have to post on that later. I'm sure SML and Cynthia will have a lot to say on that!
The early church wife-swapping was despicable. Women and children were property to boost up the Big Men's "eternal" households and increase.
Journal burning is tragic! Some of the best evidence we have of Nauvoo polygamy was from TBM women who were specifically asked by church leaders to write their stories about how, yes, they were married to JS, and yes, they did have sex with him. All to prove the RLDS mishies wrong, who denied Father JS's polygamy! Now RLDS accept it as a fact, and most LDS don't have a clue.
SML, I didn't mean to say it's "somewhat fair" that divorce is an option when a spouse leaves the church. I meant to say that having fears about the marriage is somewhat fair, given that _everything_ comes into question when that house of cards comes tumbling down. It's a little self-serving for me to say that, excusing myself for questioning my husband (even if it was for only two seconds).
Preferably, couples can work through their religious differences. I _hate_ to see divorce in such circumstances, and I hate that the church implicitly, if not explicitly, encourages it.
No doubt. It's awful, isn't it? Thanks for the clarification...
My brother left "The Church" recently, and his wife didn't - she had people telling her to "get out now," and that it was lucky she found out before they had kids. She had some trouble with it, but as far as I know never even considered divorcing him. They're perfect together, and they're happy together, with or without Mormonism. People are stupid and should mind their own damn business. Grrr.
And, on another note, my super, SUPER TBM Peter Priesthood brother-in-law totally argued with me, saying that there was NO evidence that JS ever had sex with his other wives - he insisted none of them ever had JS's children. He hardly even acknowledged it when I brought back a list of CHURCH-APPROVED books showing that he was wrong. Denial, denial, denial.
Rebecca,
Tell your BIL that if Joseph Smith did not have sex with his plural wives then he was disobeying the commandment in the revelation under which polygmay was "restored."
62 And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.
63 But if one or either of the ten virgins, after she is espoused, shall be with another man, she has committed adultery, and shall be destroyed; for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth, according to my commandment, and to fulfil the promise which was given by my Father before the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds, that they may bear the souls of men; for herein is the work of my Father continued, that he may be glorified.
Rebecca- I've seen a similar situation in my family where he left, and she didn't. The extended family would have been perfectly accepting of a divorce, even though they have a kid too! Argh. Luckily, she wants to stay with him.
At I think that's what happened. I don't know really because she refuses to talk to me about it and forbids him from talking to me. You know, because I'm so evil and all. I couldn't possible have anything positive to say.
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