stereotypes
There are stereotypes among Mormons about non-believers, uh, I mean, apostates. They are unfriendly, reclusive, unhappy, struggling, lost and confused. They wear immodest (and dirty) clothes, they get drunk all the time, they smoke, they drink coffee, they get multiple piercings and tattoos. They are angry, bitter, and not worth talking to. Don’t go near the apostate; she might bite. She has nothing positive to give, she’ll only suck you down into her whirlpool of spite and negativity. She doesn’t have the Spirit™.
Part of the stereotype is that as soon as someone becomes “apostate” they run out and become alcoholics, smokers, etc. As if leaving the church makes people go berserk, and they commit every sin in the 20th century book of Mormon sins.
Okay, to be fair, I do dress differently, I did start drinking alcohol, and I’m seriously considering a non-Hinckley approved piercing. But the other stuff? Just drivel.
But it wasn’t knee-jerk reaction to leaving. I didn’t just go crazy and buy a case of beer the week after I stopped going. I didn’t think, well, the restrictions are gone, so might as well.
Rather, I became free to make reasonable, rational, adult decisions for myself about these things. And after some time and de-programming, I realized coffee’s okay. Just don’t go wild. Tea is not only okay, but green tea is good for you.
Alcohol’s okay too. Just be a responsible adult about it, and carefully figure out your limits. In my Mormon mind, there was an alcohol dichotomy. It was either teetotaler or alcoholic, nothing in between. And that is just patently false. Sure, doctors say, keep the alcohol down. But “down” means no more than one drink a day for women, two for men. One candy bar a day is not healthy; one alcoholic drink a day can be. Hey, if you make it red wine, it is physically good for you.
As for clothing, that goes with people’s personal preference, the weather, the style. When I looked around, and saw that lots of people drink alcohol, tea, coffee, wear tank tops in the summer, have nose piercings, etc, I realized how totally normal all that stuff is to do. Not in an “everybody’s doing it” peer pressure kind of way, but in an “it’s just normal” kind of way.
So while “apostates” look scary, wild, and lost to Mormons, to everyone else, they just look normal.
7 comments:
I think I'm going to sound like a broken record... "Amen, sister. I couldn't have said it better myself". Thank you for your uncanny ability to capture my thoughts and put them in words!
Well, the _real_ reason I left the church was a pact I made with the Devil to be able to read people's minds.
I love this post. It's true. I'm thinking tonight may be my first foray into the world of trying a GLASS OF WINE WITH MY DINNER!
Sigh. I'm 34 and the thought of it makes me worry. Isn't that sad?
SML- what are you having with dinner? Let me know and perhaps I could suggest a good wine for you to try with it. Take it easy with wine, and go slow. Not everybody loves it at first (although I did!).
The day my divorce was final, I took off my garments, and that was that. I just couldn't sit on the floor in the bathroom for 3 hours while my children attended church. I tried to stay active, and to keep them active up until the baptism of my 3rd child last summer. None of us go anymore, although my oldest daughter was just called to be the 1st councilor in her Beehive class. I leave it up to them. I did go a little crazy, but I think it was because of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (caused by my "worhty priesthood holder" ex husband) - and not from my leaving the church. I'm trying to build my house out of ash basically. I was not taught how to raise 5 children alone in Young Women's. Thank goodness my mom helped me out my first year after the divorce so I could go to school full time. I graduate in May from ASU with my degree in Accountancy.
I do have two tattoos, and my belly button piercing. Again, I don't think it has to do with the Mormon thing, but the PTSD. Being married to that idiot really did me in. Hearing you're fat 24/7 (um, 5 children, what do you think), when you weigh in at 122 does not do much for the self esteem. Then when I was at 95 lbs., I was too thin. It was never enough. I got tired of the sex being my "wifely duty," and being told that the reason I didn't receive the same answers to prayer as he did was because I wasn't worthy. He had the priesthood, etc. It didn't help when his dad really started coaching him on how to "whip me back into shape."
I haven't delved much into my faith, I just try to stay the hell away from it. I am still SO angry and SO bitter, but I don't really want to stay that way. Your site is really the first place I've been that helps. All the other "ex-Mormon" sites seem to get hung up on tearing the church down, or embrace their bitterness. I don't want to go there, I just want to get over it, and move on with my life. But, as you've said in other posts, you can't really leave it alone. Or should I say, THEY won't let me leave it alone. You know the drill, the scout leaders, the home teachers, the visiting teachers, suddenly the missionaries appear at your door... I don't have a problem if my kids want to attend, but they also are being taught to be kind, and Christlike - not judgemental, and superior to others. People who smoke can really be nice people. My boyfriend lives with us, and he smokes, and he's actually really cool!
It's amazing how clear things seem when you take a step back. The jargon, rhetoric, and control really was exhausting. I'm happy, guilt-free, and have begun to live a productive life AWAY from the church. I actually spend quality time with my children on Sundays, because we're not stuck in church for 3 hours. I used to hate Sundays because of the constant fighting. Now that we've quit going to church, the contention is minimal on that day. I don't miss it. I know everyone is still "praying" for me. I'm the evil whore who has lost her way. If they have poker in hell, I'll be happier there anyway. I tell them they can pray if it makes them feel better, but I'm not coming back.
I look forward to following your thoughts, and blog. It is really very healthy, and I like your approach. The lack of bitterness is also very refreshing. You seem very matter-of-fact, and honest. You are on my favorites (I think I said that in another post), and feel free to drop in on my blog: www.pokerspice.typepad.com anytime. So much of my feelings about the church are intertwined with my ex-husband (we're still sealed), and I am not objective or able to separate the two yet. Perhaps, someday. :)
I have been thinking these same things a lot. Though I never really had that either a teetotaler or an alcoholic thing because I was around social drinkers my whole life and none of them are alcoholics.
As for me I have set limits because I have an addictive personality so I only drink on the weekend and then not more than two drinks. Well, most of the time not more than two!!
regina- Knowing when and how to set limits is key. But it is, of course, possible. Not like what one might hear in the church about never "swinging outside the batting zone" because once you go out of it, you'll go wild.
pokerspice-thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure we'll hear more from each other.
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