split identity

I have two blogs. One, my family and some old friends read. Some of them know about my exit from the Mormon church, some of them don't. That blog is not the place I want anyone to find out. So I keep it superficial. Little updates on my life here and there, some pictures, but mostly it's a show-the-kid-off fest. My family gets a little glimpse into our lives and feel like they're keeping up somewhat.

But I hide so much. That's not me they're reading. It's a watered-down version. I like to talk about a lot of different subjects, religion, politics, history, books, international affairs that I just don't mention there. It's not the place; it would just make them uncomfortable. And most of that stuff just wouldn't interest them.

I also don't want to mention certain things that they would interpret with the TBM/apostate distortion lens. You know the one, where everything I do and think is recast with "She's a bitter apostate" or "She's lost, confused, and can't remember where to find the truth." And everything that happens to me is interpreted as either from the devil (because I'm an apostate and hence don't enjoy the protection of the Spirit) or from God (with the purpose of humbling me back into the church).

So instead of saying, "Hey, I'm having a hard time getting my son to obey me," I just pretend everything's hunky-dory. Can't have them thinking I'm struggling, can I? Instead of telling them the truth and asking for advise, I just tell the good stuff. Like it's my job to prove that ex-Mormons can be happy, too.

I've fallen right into the keeping-up-appearances Mormons are so good at. It's just good that life is pretty good right now, or else my two-facedness would be killing me.

My other blog is, of course, this one. Here, I'm open as I want to be about religion. All that stuff I can't and never will say to my family, I can say here. I'm free in that realm, and it feels good.

But there's plenty I don't write here, too. For the sake of anonymity, I don't write about some of the most pressing, personal aspects of family relations. What if they read it and recognize themselves? I don't write about work or what interests me in my career, because I feel it's too identifying. My interests and hobbies relate so much to my career that I can't talk about those either.

And it kind of leaves me split. I've got my superficial self, and I've got my ex-Mormon self. But what about me? I feel like there's not place for me to just be me.

I think this is more than just about blogging. It's about this recovering ex-Mormon doppelgaenger, split between two worlds, trying to figure out who I was and who I am. It's about finding a place where I am comfortable enough to just be myself. A time when I'm not always putting on this or that mask to fit the circumstances.