Thursday, December 28, 2006

a sleep-induced conversation with a Mormon, or dreaming about blogging

I had a dream the other night. I was sitting at work in a cafeteria-type room, trying to work on a project. A co-worker came up and sat across from me, obviously wanting to talk to me, like she knew who I was, she had heard of me. To me, she was vaguely familiar, only enough to recognize her as a colleague, but I didn’t know her name. She was blonde and very happy, friendly. The thought occurred to me that she must be Mormon, and from Utah. I was sure of it. Wasn't there a newly hired employee from Utah? I wanted her to leave me alone so I could work, but I wasn’t going to be rude and say so. I certainly wasn't going to bring up anything that would highlight our common backgrounds.

She opened up a conversation, out of the blue, saying, “So, you’re a Christian, white woman—“ as if that was a prelude to a question, but I cut her off.

“I’m not a Christian,” I interrupted. She was surprised. “I consider myself an ex-Christian,” I continued. I knew this would be a strange idea to her, but I didn’t care to elaborate further.

“Really?” Then she asked her question anyway, something about the robes priests wear.

“Robes?” I asked.

“Yeah, you know, like Catholic priests…” she expanded.

“Oh, yeah,” I answered, and, deciding to rile her up a bit and test if my Mormon theory was right, continued, “kind of like the temple apron and all that.” I wanted to list more of the temple clothes, but couldn’t think of their names in my dream.

She stared at me, shocked.

“I’m from Utah,” I explained. “I’m not just an ex-Christian, I'm ex-Mormon too.”

She stared at me, speechless, for a good thirty seconds.

I smiled back at her, as if I had just told her I got an A on an exam, and hoped she’d stop staring at me.

“Don’t you know Mormon?” (That’s what she said in my dream, but I suppose she meant, “Aren’t you familiar with Moroni’s challenge from Moroni 10:4-5?”)

“Mormon, the compiler of the Book of Mormon? Of course I know of him. I’ve read the Book of Mormon over a dozen times.”

She was flabbergasted. I’m not sure if the shock was from the fact that I’d read the book that many times, or from the fact that I read it that many times but still left. She thought that if it wasn’t because of a lack of understanding the Book or Mormon that caused my unbelief, it must be something else.

“Well, it must be that you haven’t been to the temple,” she tried.

“No, I’ve been to the temple. I was married in the temple, and went many times since then,” I countered.

Then she asked me something about abuse—-I must have been abused, or I abused my kid. That must have been the reason for my leaving, right?

“I’ve never hit, and I’ve never been hit,” I answered. I decided it would be best to end this inane line of questioning and just explain to her why I left.

“Listen, let me explain why. I won’t say anything to shake you up. Too much. First, I don’t believe. I don’t believe Joseph Smith’s claims, the Book of Mormon, etc.”

“Okay.”

“And second, I don’t think it’s good for me and my family.”

“You and your family,” she repeated.

“Yes, for us. I think everyone can weigh the good and the bad for themselves, and if the good outweighs the bad, then…” I said, shrugging my shoulders to imply the conclusion.

“Yeah,” she said, “that’s how it is for me,” like she recognized there were some bad points with the church, but not enough to make her leave.

Somehow the conversation ended there, she was interrupted by friends or something and left the table. I thought it would be a good idea to jot down some notes from the conversation. As I scribbled on a notepad, she walked back over and noticed me writing our conversation.

“What are you doing? Are you writing down what I said?” she asked, a little freaked out.

I explained to her that I keep a journal, and like to write this kind of stuff down in it. I knew in my dream that this was a slight fib—-really, my “journal” would be my blog, online and public.

Just then, lots of people were suddenly coming into the room, including my sister and brother. I introduced my sister to the woman I’d been having the conversation with, thinking she’d be glad to meet someone else from Utah.

“This is my sister, Janet, and this is…?” I realized this whole time I didn’t know the woman’s name.

“Christine,” she said.

“Christine,” I continued the introduction. “Janet is from Utah.”

Christine looked like that bit of information didn’t phase her. So I turned to talk to my sister, who, oddly enough, in my dream, had just gotten out of two months in jail.

I woke up just after the dream finished, and I realized I hadn’t actually written it down. That part had just been in my dream. So I grabbed a piece of paper and jotted down notes. I rarely write down dreams, and rarely remember them with any clarity. But I thought it so strange that I had written it down in my dream, and that as I did so, I had thought, “This will be good for my blog.”

I’m dream-blogging. Or blog-dreaming. I’m dreaming about blogging. And I'll admit this wasn't the first time, either.

As I wrote in my dream, I thought to myself how experiences of ex-Mormons and questioning Mormons should be documented and talked about, not shushed up and ignored.

So what does the dream mean? I’m sure my mind is dealing with my anxieties about visiting faithful Mormon friends and family over the holidays, and playing out a possible scenario. One in which I was bold enough to speak up, and the Mormon was civil and accepting, even if she didn’t agree. That would be nice. We'll see how it actually goes.

7 comments:

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Interesting dream....I am fascinated by dreams.

T Wanker said...

Ashes,

The mostinriguing thing about this dream from a metaphoric literary analysis point is that your "Mormon" co-worker appears to be a female Christ figure, aptly named Christine.

Her inquiry about "Do you know Mormon?" was probably just that, not Moroni10:4-5. Your subconscious is dialoguing with you on your separation in the figure of a female Christ interrogating you on your knowledge of the religion. In the end, you are saved by your female Saviour when she doesn't condemn you as you expected, but agrees with you. I would say your subconscious is making progress.

Of course that was strictly a literary analysis of your post and should not in any way be interpreted as an attempt at psychoanalysis.

Yours truly,

From the Psycho Ward,

T.W.

from the ashes said...

wanker- Interesting analysis. I certainly noticed the name Christine. But I don't think I'd stretch it to "I feel I need a Savior." I'm not too into the idea of "man is in need of redemption." I can see how that came out in an analysis of the text, though.

T Wanker said...

I didn't see it as you requiring a Savior, but a psychological atonement -- a bringing the pieces of yourself together in one whole.

I'm almost always metaphorical and rarely literal.

from the ashes said...

Oh, I approach the idea of redemption in a metaphorical way. I could be mistaken here, but I just see the idea of a Savior as Christian- and Euro-centric. Had a Buddhist read my dream, I don't think a Savior interpretation would have come out at all. Know what I mean?

Welcome, by they way. Sorry your welcome was me agrueing with you. Hope that doesn't deter you.

T Wanker said...

Let me see -- I learned somewhere that there must needs be opposition in all things and I'm perfectly comfortable with that.

Besides I'm sick to death of everyone agreeing with everyone -- if I wanted that I could always go back to church, so I hope you saber rattle with me when you disagree (Besides it makes for better blog copy).

I do get what you are saying that the concept of a Savior is a Western religious concept and glad to hear of your Buddhist leanings. I've thought for some time that Mormonism with its mystical underpinnings and 19th century empiricism creates a particular affinity to Buddhism in Ex-Mos.

And to avoid appearing too conciliatory, even though your current affinity is towards Eastern thought, I'd argue that concepts of a Savior are hardwired into your subconscious and that is why they pop up in a literary analysis.

Happy New Year -- and pleasant dreams.

from the ashes said...

wanker (what a name!)- I'm glad the bantering doesn't scare you off. Happy New Year to you to.

I didn't mean to imply that I have Buddhist leanings; I was just giving it as an example. But I am interested in exploring Eastern thought and philosophy more. There are whole new ways of looking at the world, the idea of self, etc., that are fascinating.

Saviors certainly do find their ways into literature, culture, religious myths. But is that also true in Eastern, African traditions, etc? I would venture to guess that some traditions think of humans as capable of taking care of themselves, perhaps with some ancestors/spirits help, and don't have Savior concepts at all?