Monday, December 04, 2006

exiting emotions: sadness

When I realized the church isn’t The One True Church, I felt sad.

I was sad because I’d given so much of my self and my life to the church, and for what? I was sad because I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was sad because my family and friends hadn’t seen what I’d seen regarding the church, and most of them probably never will. I was sad because so many people had given their lives to the church, and for what? I was sad because I lost everything I knew, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I was sad because so much time, money, and effort goes into the church—a portion of it from me—and for what? I was sad for all the hours of temple work. For all the dollars in tithing. For all the Sundays, for all the Monday nights, for all the mutual nights, for what? I felt sad because it was just lies.

I was sad because I'd lost so much of myself. I lost the only world I ever knew. I feel sad because my family will never understand me. I am sad because I shut off a part of myself when I'm with them. I feel sad because we have to accommodate each other, tip toe around each other, instead of just loving each other and enjoying each other's company.

"Sadness soaks into my heart like days of rain soak into the earth." A north Vietnamese woman, a doctor in the Vietnam war, wrote that in her journal many years ago. She was killed long ago, but her journal just came out to the public. I heard the translation on a podcast, and it resonated with me. I knew what she meant. Some days, still, this long after leaving, my heart is saturated with sadness. It pulls me down until I am too heavy to move.

It's not every day; it's not all the time. But it is heavy and painful.

An example of how I was taught to deal with sadness: the Mormon children's song "If you chance to meet a frown."

"If you chance to meet a frown

Do not let it stay.

Quickly turn it upside down

And smile that frown away."

In other words, "This is how to deal with sadness: pretend you're not sad until it goes away." Fake it until you make it. Nothing about sadness as a legitimate state of being; nothing about reasons one might feel sad; nothing about what sadness feels like; nothing about how to get through it; nothing about how pretending could be more damaging.

Sure, I prefer happy to sad. But that doesn't mean I can ignore sad when it comes. As painful as it is, I have to let myself feel it in order to get through it.

10 comments:

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I'm sorry it makes you sad. I try to remember for myself that I don't want the lies part of the deal to make me regret my life. I had enough of that while TBM to last a millenium.

I choose to go forward and move on just like someone who grows up from living in a dysfunctional family...I can take the good I learned and also I can learn from the not-so-good, and I can make my life whatever I wish it to be.

That's not to say I don't get mad or sad sometimes at the upbringing. And at the residual things I catch myself doing that are obvious throwbacks from the dysfuction. But the nice thing is knowing I can recognize it for what it is and make an effort to change.

from the ashes said...

SML said "But the nice thing is knowing I can recognize it for what it is and make an effort to change." Yes. Now that I can really recognize that emotions are not The Spirit telling me I'm doing something right or wrong, I can deal with them and find a happier place.

Anonymous said...

My favorite typical Mormon reply to sadness is that Christ already suffered for us so that we didn't have to. Amazing how many Mormons do NOT get the Atonement. He didn't suffer so we wouldn't be sad, people! He suffered so we could return to the Father.

Sadness is a very real part of life. Especially when we have been betrayed.

In accounting we call past fianancial losses "sunk costs." If we lost money on a stock, let's say, we can't use our emotions from that loss to impact our future decisions. The sunk cost can have no bearing on our future decisions, because it is over & we have nothing we can recover from it. That's how I liken our situation. The church is a sunk cost. We can't get our time, money, or emotions we put into it back. We can only go forward.

Obviously, our emotions impact us, especially with religion being the subject. I can't dwell on all that was taken from me, it makes me so sad. I'm trying to pull apart the church, my ex, the divorce, and deal with each piece one at a time. Dealing is so difficult, which is why I put it off for so long. Hang in there. You're helping a lot of us deal with your blog, somehow we'll all get through it, together. :)

Anonymous said...

You wrote, "I felt sad because it was just lies."

"You like the truth too much. What is truth but lies that we've forgotten are lies." Thus spoke Zarathustra.

In all seriousness, though, how and by what means do you claim it is all lies? Unless you're speaking a hyperbole, I find this claim hard to accept. Arguably, many of those things you've listed have made you a better person. I know it's difficult to see from where you stand, but for many people the church is quite wonderful. Like you, I've left the church, but let's not let this blind us to the obvious fact that Mormonism can and has done tremendous good in the world.

Without sounding too presumptuous, I want to recommend two authors I think my help you make peace with your past--William James and Friedrich Nietzsche. Both are well worth your time at some point. And each have an interesting way of approaching the problem of religion, i.e., the relation between religion and truth. Nietzsche's writings on truth may also be helpful. I would start with his essay "On Truth and Lie the Nonmoral Sense" and then move on to _The Gay Science_. It is in _The Gay Science_ where Nietzsche first discusses the death of God that I noticed you mentioned in a post earlier this week. As for William James, I'd read his _Varieties of Religious Experience_.

from the ashes said...

anon- Yes, I was being hyperbolic about the lies. I had that in an earlier draft of this post, but it didn't make it into the final cut because I wanted to just express my raw emotions without apologizing for it. I think a lot of people pass through a time where they feel "It's all just damned lies!"

Thanks for the book recommendations. I've had Nieztsche on my list, but I'll check out that James.

What is truth? I'm not looking for it. All I can figure is that Mormonism has an ugly brand of lies, mixed with some "make-people-feel-good," that they insist is truth. The church also makes a lot of people feel really shitty about themselves, too.

Anonymous said...

One of the ones who always felt shitty - right here! I can link my negative self esteem directly to the church. I've got Journals (remember how Spencer W. Kimball always kept a journal, well, I took the journal writing seriously... God would be pleased if I did that)... so I have pages at 13 (a baby, really) where I discuss at leanth on why I shouldn't have friends who weren't Mormon, if I do what I'm supposed to, the Lord will be happy. All b.s.!

Anonymous said...

But, pokerspice, this may tell us more about you than it does about Mormonism. Mormonism doesn't have to entail what you seem to believe it entails. There are plenty of well-adjusted and thoughtful Mormons.

from the ashes said...

My jr high era journal was focused on "churchy" stuff. Blech.

It may indicate a certain amount about poker's personality. Such as had she been raised in another religion, she still might have been concerned about what friends to have, and tried hard to please authority figures. Personalities do play a part. But religions can play a role raising youth to feel good about themselves, and helping them through the trying time of jr. high. Mormonism works this way for a few, and usually because a great YM/YW leader; not for many.

There are plenty of "well-adjusted and thoughtful" Mormons. Did Mormon do that to them? Are they that way despite Mormonism? And there are people whom Mormonism really screwed over.

I would have never said that Mormonism was hurting me; I was well-adjusted, thoughtful, did great at school and work. I liked Mormonism, and liked being Mormon. Looking back, though, I can see many points at which it hurt me without me even realizing it. I dislike Mormonism less for what it did to me personally, though, and more for what it does to others for whom the church doesn't work.

It's partly a question of bad outweighing good or vice versa. Some people see more good; I see more bad, even though there is some good.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I agree, it is unfortunate when the church either implicitly or explicitly encourages, or even coerces, people to stay when it is evident the church is doing more harm than good. Of course, it will be difficult to measure the relevant harm and good in this case, but such judgments should be left to individuals to make. Still, I'm not offended if people want me to return, or if they wish I had stayed. I am offended when faithful Mormons cross the line and try to make me feel that my departure was the result of sin or some moral failing on my part. To me, such claims make very little sense. This doesn't mean I haven't been selfish or that I haven't failed in other ways in my life, but it does mean that sin is not likely the cause of my departure.

from the ashes said...

Oh, come on, anon, we all know what a sinner you are. ;)

It is frustrating, though, isn't it? Some people just can't imagine that people would just stop believing and/or choose to leave. So they start to think about all the sins we must have committed. And I'm so damn innocent looking that people can't imagine what sin I would have committed. Perhaps that's part of why our families blame my husband. Never mind that he was never the "sinning" type either.

So what's the worst sin they got against me? Pride? Not obeying?