Monday, December 11, 2006

how they blame my husband, and how I hate that

The attitude in our families seem to be that Husband somehow led me out of the church; manipulated or influenced me to turn my back on the church. Multiple people have made this comment to us directly; I know the attitude has been expressed to others within the family.

I want to make it very clear that this is simply not true. My decisions are mine. They happen to correlate with Husband’s, and our decisions happen to follow the same time frame, but there was no amount of influencing, pressure, manipulating, guilt-tripping, or brainwashing—on either side.

What is more, I find the attitude to be incredibly insulting to both Husband and to me. It insults Husband because it makes him an evil, manipulative jerk. It is insulting to me because it presupposes that I am an idiot who can’t think for myself.

If you think about what you know about my personality and about Husband’s, you will know that the Husband-corrupted-Wife model doesn’t fit either of us. As for me, I am smart, analytical, and stubborn; won’t do anything just because somebody else wants me to; always sought out (and found) an equal relationship with my spouse; and grew up with and cherished my very strong testimony of the church. Husband is also smart, analytical, and stubborn; never one to push his opinions or beliefs onto others; has always seen us as absolute equals in our relationship; was not “bad” or “rebellious”; respects others, and also had a strong testimony. He wanted the temple marriage just as much as I did; he was just as “worthy” as I was. None of that has changed, expect for the testimony part.

Why is that no one ever has supposed that it was me who “led” Husband out? Perhaps it’s because I was so faithful growing up (but so was Husband). Perhaps it’s because Husband is the man and an elder, and thus seen as the head, the leader, the one more responsible for our salvation, and so more responsible for our leaving.

Perhaps people think that I saw Husband leaving and looked at my options (according to Mormonism):

-If I stayed faithful, I could set a good enough example to bring him back. (I thought that crossed my mind, but I entertained for only about two seconds.)
-I could divorce him and marry a faithful man. (Never considered it.)
-I could stay faithful and still make it to the celestial kingdom and be married off (as a plural wife, probably) to a man who had stayed faithful. (An abhorrent idea, one that has ruined many “for time” in/out relationships that could have otherwise been great.)

What really were my thoughts when Husband and I finally talked about our changing beliefs:

-I have to figure this out for myself.
-Husband is a wonderful husband, father, and a great man.

8 comments:

Rebecca said...

People are stupid. I'm pretty sure my family thinks I led my brother out, when the truth is he was questioning before I was. But I'm the aggressive, controlling, bossy (all true to some extent), and manipulative one (not true, but my mom thinks so - probably because she's projecting her faults onto me) so I MUST have pushed him. Please. So I just smile and say, "Yes, I am evil, and Spencer is just THAT stupid." And then they realize they're idiots. Hey, I'M not the one who believes God thinks it's a sin to have two ear piercings.

Really, I think they're jealous. Like, SUPER jealous. Jealous that I don't live in podunk nowhere, that I'm free to travel, that I actually LIKE my life (mostly). When I think of how jealous they are I can forgive them their nastiness and just feel bad for them instead (two fairly condescending things to do, but whatever). Your family might think you're going to Hell, and that you're a mindless sheep, but part of them is probably jealous, and really they know you, and they know you weren't 'led' away. They're just trying to find any excuse to justify it. And also to reassure themselves that it was nothing THEY did - they raised you RIGHT.

This is long.

Threads of the Divine said...

When my brother and I first started our exit, everyone blamed me for him leaving. As if he didn't have a brain. He was a very successful missionary and was looked up to in the family as the one with a rock solid testimony and unwaivering ethics. Somehow I am blamed.

The notion of a spouse leading the other out of the church is rediculous. I've tried and trust me, it doesn't work.

Mystic Mistress said...

It's the proverbial "blame game" mentality which may influence family members' need to blame husband. TBM's are not capable of comprehending an individual's personal decision to leave the church. "OUR daughter would never do such a thing, etc." They can't bear the thought of being in the "Celestial Kingdom" WITHOUT you. See, if they can blame your hubby, then you were led astray by your priesthood leader. This would make you innocent, thereby solidifying the families are forever theme.

It's almost creepy how naturally all of that flowed from my fingertips. I don't recall thinking that way when I was a TBM, but I guess all the analyzing. Or should I say ANALyzing. They don't know how else to categorize what's happened in their minds. All they know is that you would NEVER have left in your right mind. Make sense?

Anonymous said...

I like how you explain how you really felt when you decided by yourself that it wasn't true.

SML

from the ashes said...

Thanks for the comments and words of encouragement, folks. I'm sorry I haven't been active with responding lately. I'm just really busy and barely have time to get daily posts together.

I'll get back into the swing of things soon.

Gluby said...

(Hi FTA -- I'm new in Outer Blogness and have just started reading your posts. I apologize in advance for long comments -- I'm just that way.)

Actually, as my wife (Lemon Blossom) and I can attest to, it is possible to lead a spouse out of the church, and it is possible to do it without being manipulative, controlling or disrespectful. In my case, I pled the case that I had investigated her side of things and knew all the arguments, that it is only fair she do the same, and that I would abide by her ensuing decision. But that's not what I'm writing about here.

What I do think on the topic is that this whole blame thing is a fallacy that focuses on the wrong issue. After all, is there anything wrong with persuading someone (again, honestly, non-coercively and non-manipulatively) to look at what they would not have looked at before? Does it make one person automatically manipulative and the other automatically a mindless follower? If you had left first and your husband had begun to question and research as a result of your apostasy, would that really change things?

After all, isn't that what they claim to be doing when they screw you missionary-style? Err, I mean when they try to convert you to the church? And I can guarantee we are a WHOLE lot more ethical about our presentation of evidence than the Morg.

In the end, it's always the person's own choice, and, with this much indoctrination, a TBM has to be REALLY convinced inside to actually leave the church. You can lead a TBM to water, but you can't make 'em drink. It took my wife FIVE YEARS.

As long as you've been up-front, fair and honest, no one can fault you.

Still, I am going to be so blamed for LB's egress from the church. And you know what? They're right! I am the proximate cause -- she wouldn't have looked at any of this if it weren't for me. If she had married a standard-issue stuffed shirt TBM, she would never have been asked to consider evidence.

I am objectively a force for harm as they see it, and the feeling is mutual. LB was only persuaded to look at and evaluate the evidence by me; but the decision and the horror have been all hers. They'll just have to accept that and realize that all of us are doing the best we can in this life, or pray harder.

from the ashes said...

Welcome, Gluby. Thanks for putting in your POV and experience. From what I've seen in split-marriages, you are very lucky and very patient! Congrats to both of you.

If I'm pressed, I'd say my husband was way out further than I was a lot sooner than I was, and I just didn't realize it. He didn't let on, and I certainly didn't ask (why would I have?). Looking back, I can see some clues, such as never going to the temple except for weddings, being bothered when I brought up "hot drinks" to some never-mos, buying a giant supply of Sunstones and e-bay and pouring through them.

So yeah, he was the first mentally out, and he did encourage me to read what he was reading. And he was the one who said, "How can you really evaluate it if you start with the assumption that it's true?" He is the one that helped me realize I would have to weigh the evidence fairly. I did look at him and realize his "testimony" had changed drastically--I didn't dare ask how much--and think, "Maybe he has a point; if he is thinking this, than I should check it out thoroughly."

But that's the important thing--he did his thing, and I did mine. Each of us thought our ways out independently and roughly simultaneously. He was ahead of me, but I wasn't following him--I was on my own path. I was doing my own thinking. We're lucky that our main endpoint matched up.

So you led your wife to water. And she drank. Forcing her in may've just drowned her--and ruined the marriage.

Anonymous said...

I'm in a split marriage i guess, although now i'm beginning to follow. But the funny thing is, my husband is the one who resigned and his family blames me! His mom is always saying its because he got married too young. She won't even look me in the face.