it
Some days I don't even think about it. On those days, I keep up posts by post-dating drafts I wrote before. On those days, I wonder if I can keep up the pace of daily posting. On those days, I wonder if I can even keep up the blog. I wonder if I have said enough. That just by telling my story I've had the therapy I sought after in creating this blog. On those days, I sit at the computer to type, if I've ran out of drafts, but my fingers just gently drum away, not spelling anything. I speak aloud to my husband, "Give me a topic," and he teases me, "You've run out of things to say?"
This isn't one of those days.
Some days it grips me. It grips me like a vice around my chest, heavy and tight. Squeezing me, threatening to squeeze tears out of my eyes. I breath deep, but it doesn't help. It remains, heavy and tight, there, deep in my chest. I take my bike to work to get fresh air and exercise, but it doesn't help clear the sadness out of my mind. I clock in at work, but I can't work. The thoughts push into my head. Not even thoughts, really, more like a mess of dark emotions that doesn't let me do any thinking because the cloud is too thick.
I don't want to feel it. But it is there. I can't shake it. Part of me wants to fight it. To hide quietly in another room and silently scream into a pillow, then get a hold of myself and walk out, act like everything is perfectly normal. Part of me wants to embrace it, let it come until I am just a heap of sobbing on the bed, curled up behind my husband. Let the sobs and wails escape uncontrollably from my normally stoic form, lashing out with sadness and pain in every heaving breath.
And I wonder, which is better?
Note: I wrote this days ago, and the mood passed. It always passes. If it didn't, I'd be seeking professional help.
4 comments:
This is some powerful writing. I enjoy your posts immensely.
Happy Holidays, FtA.
:)
SML- Thanks. Merry Christmas. Enjoy the time with your family.
Z- No worries there. Our conversations have never made me worse off. And I had to go look up amor fati. ;)
Don't be ashamed of crying. As far as I'm concerned, it is a very natural and instinctual way to process heavy emotions. If at all possible, try to "schedule" in some private cry time in an environment to your suiting (I prefer being alone with no distractions, and varying degrees of darkness).
Notice how easily children cry -- not only about physical hurts, but emotional ones as well. I think that is the body's healthy way of processing sadness, anger, depression, etc. If you don't let it out, it will come out in ways much less desirable.
I know this is odd coming from a guy, but I've learned that I get through difficult times much better if I set aside times to be alone and just let those thoughts take over and let myself sob -- I even continue "prodding" myself to cry more until I simply can't anymore or don't need to. Then I feel much better and make a lot more headway in getting through whatever it is.
I blogged about one experience when I did this, if you're looking for an example of what I'm talking about -- it's here.
My experience growing up Mormon made me very unaware of my negative emotions (as I've posted about before). I wanted to get through the sadness as fast as possible, to stifle it away, to ignore it, to get back to the happiness. "Fake it until you make it." "If you don't feel like praying, pray until you do." "If you chance to meet a frown, do not let it stay..."
I've found letting myself have that sadness to be helpful. Some days I'm sad or mad or frustrated. And that's okay. Some days I'm happy or elated or normal.
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