on being in Utah again
I've been in Utah a few days now, and have been trying to work on a post in my head about how I'm reacting to it. My access to the internet has been spotty, and it seems that every time I fire up my computer to write a post, family members follow me into the room to chat. I'm not comfortable typing away on my secret blog, talking about my relations with my family, while some of them are sitting write there. It feels too much like I'm keeping a big secret, going behind their backs. Which I am. But at least I don't usually do it right in front of them.
After all my fears of coming back to Mormonville, of being back in the center of the pink bubble, I find my stay here remarkably normal. I suppose part of that is just because it is my hometown, the house I grew up in, the streets I drove for years. If it doesn't feel quite like home, it does at least feel familiar and comfortable for the most part. The people are awfully white, and clean-cut, and modest, which is different than where I live now, but whatever. I went to a New Year's party last night and there was only one non-white person there. One. Amazing. And I haven't found a coffee shop yet. That's quite different from where I live now, with a shop on every corner. (Here, there's a Mormon church on every corner.) But I weaned myself from daily coffee in the week before I came out, knowing I didn't want the headaches while here.
So family gatherings go on as usual, except when someone cracks a joke about Jack Mormons or heathens. Or when the family prays before dinner while my son munches away at his food, and his cousin tells him to stop eating, wait for the prayer. At least his mom told him to live and let live (in child-language), and didn't lecture my son about the importance of praying over the peanut butter and jelly.
I don't know what I expected exactly, but my family has been remarkably good about "live and let live," just letting us do our thing and not trying to make us feel guilty about it. There was not a word about going to church with them, not a sideways glance when I went to a party on the Sabbath. And while most of the time I'm glad they just let me be, I sometimes wish they would talk about it more. I'm willing to talk. I even joke about it, letting them know it's okay to bring it up. But there are rarely any bites. In time, I guess, that might change.
Happy New Year.
2 comments:
Enjoy your soujourn in the Land of Zion --
I also have a family who is quite adept at simply avoiding my heresy. It seems you are just starting out, but after eight or nine years my relations with my family have gotten to be downright comfortable. Your comfort and ease with yourself will make that happen. You are probably wise not to flaunt your apostacy, ie coffee, in front of them, but that doesn't mean you have to hide it completely either. Where are you in Utah? I think I know all the coffee shops, so you can slip out for a sip.
See this is the bitch for active Mos, most genuinely are trying to do what is right -- compassion, the golden rule, family togetherness, forgiveness, not lying, etc. A heretic amidst the family challenges all of these cherished concepts that they have taken in for years in Sunday School classes. The inconsistencies and disconnect also raise all the doubts they harbor -- (like when my Mom confessed to me she had never read the Book of Mormon).
Hang in there and you will become the ballast of modernity, skepticism and yes, compassion for your family. When the doubts and crisis of faith come for them, it will be you that they call for comfort (and Mormon families are big enough that there will be crisises of faith).
wanker- (Loving the name, BTW) thanks for the advise and the perspective of a person who's been out for a longer time. I've gotten in the habit of not bringing it up with anyone in my family unless they do first (and they don't with the exception of one person). I also don't "flaunt" anything like coffee, staying home from church, etc. I don't know, maybe they do think I flaunt my unrighteousness, because I'm not afraid to state my opinions on homosexual marriage, decriminalization of prostitution, etc. How evil I am! :)
I do bring it up with my husband's siblings, because they are very open and non-judgmental about my new habits, shall we say. (I've even had conversations over beer with one BIL.) The trouble is, they are still somewhat uncomfortable with it, and my bringing it up is forgiven, but still hurts a bit. I'll post more about my experiences in my trip...
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