debate with myself
Eventually, I told my family I wasn't attending church anymore, that my spiritual path has "moved away from the Mormon church." They didn't really ask why or want to know details. I assumed they think I am too intellectual and have lost sight of faith in favor of evidence. Got too big for my britches. They operate on the assumption that I will return eventually, and I've realized over time that this gives them comfort. But for a long time, I struggled with whether or not I should tell them more. To put it all down on paper and explain the extent to which I was a total non-believer, that I was never coming back. That I wasn't "struggling with my testimony" or a Jack Mormon or an inactive. That I was done.
I wondered if telling them--ripping the bandage off--would be better than letting them have their false view of me. I wrote down what I was thinking at that time:
Writing to mom and dad about my unbelief is fundamentally difficult, since I would be basically telling them (implicitly) that I reject how they raised me. Obviously, they did their best, did what they believed is best, and I think they did a pretty darn good job. They are many, many things about how they raised us that I appreciate and love. But by telling them I reject Mormonism--and have no plans to raise my son Mormon--I reject part of them. And I hate that. (Side note: I will not shield my son from Mormonism, or any other religion. I want him exposed to a plurality of religions and ideas so that he can choose when he is older. I will be up front with him about how his extended family is Mormon, why they are Mormon, and why I am not Mormon.)
I go back and forth about writing everyone. On the one hand, Mom and Dad are convinced that I will return someday, as witnessed by the peace they have felt about me. They have their comfort in that; it is their coping mechanism. Part of me wants to let them have that comfort, even though I think it is false. While they felt peace [when I told them I wasn't going to church anymore] and interpreted that as "fta will return"--that is the only way they _can_ interpret it within their Mormon world view, that's the only thing that makes sense--I think that emotion of peace can be interpreted differently.
Such as how I interpret it: "No matter what, we love fta. We can sense that she is okay and happy and the spiritual path she chooses for herself is fine." A problem I have with them "knowing I will return" is that this denies me freedom of choice. If God knows I will return, that means I will definitely return--it is not my choice to return; it's "already" been decided. Is God so omniscient that we don't have truly free will? During my process of leaving, I asked this question. I adopted a somewhat modified version of an omniscient God, one that can see possible future paths that open and close before us as we make decisions, and can guide us in choosing better paths.
More tomorrow.
6 comments:
That's a stance I've never understood. It assumes too much about God and the nature of the universe. Omniscience doesn't negate free will. Why people are so tied to that seems to me to demonstrate a rather dogmatic mindset as to the nature of space/time and God's relation to it.
Anywho.
My prayers will be with your parents. I pray you will return. But none of this is a desire to force anything.
Out of curiosity. Have you written out on the interenet in explicit detail the proof from your mind as to why you no longer believe? Or are you simply taking and making an ultimately subjectively based judgement on the status of the faith with regard to veracity?
Looking at the books is it an issue with polyandry? polygamy?
Again I'm just curious. Tell me to buzz off if you'd like.
Yeah FTA - have you written out why you don't believe? Like in your posts entitled "Exit Story" (I think there are, like, 11 of them)? Or in many, many other posts?
And why ARE you so focused on the whole omniscience thing? I mean, you're SO way off the mark. Because omniscience? SUCH an elementary concept.
Okay, seriously - it was weird to me, too, that my family never asked me WHY I'd left. In fact, my mom, sisters, and brothers-in-law wish I'd never even told them - they'd rather be happily ignorant (hmmm). And that's hard because I want them to understand me. I'm getting over that, though. They will probably never understand, and no matter how happy I am they'll probably always feel sorry because they 'know' I would have been even happier in The Church. I'm trying to learn to let that go.
There's a quote I read once (no idea who said it): It's none of my business what other people think of me.
I try to live by that (even if I rarely succeed) - I can't change their minds about me, so I really don't need to waste the time worrying about it.
How dorky. I should so sign up for "inspirational" quotes of the day. Gross.
Hiveradical said "My prayers will be with your parents. I pray you will return. But none of this is a desire to force anything."
What do you think praying that From the Ashes will return to church will be? God exerting his power to cause that she return to church. In other words, force.
I'm sorry to hear about your parents' reaction thus far. I have been extremely lucky. Regardless of whether my parents agree with my "95 theses," as it were, they have continued to respect me as a moral, intelligent, and sincere person. I have extended them the same courtesy and do not mock or otherwise downplay the validity of their beliefs.
They did want to know some of my reasons, and I found it more difficult than I had expected to articulate them. Explaining why I left the church is simple to those who have also done so, as they have made a similar journey and crossed the same thresholds. True believers simply have an entirely different frame of reference.
My parents even sympathize with some of my grievances, including coercive measures for extracting obedience from members, some of Joseph Smith's exploits--especially polygamy, authoritarian leadership, and the suppression or alteration of church history. Other issues they couldn't understand--and I didn't expect them to--such as the 19th century provenance of the Book of Mormon and Book of Abraham, disbelief in a personal/intervening God, disbelief in priesthood power, and the view that life outside the church can be better than life within it.
They have come to terms with my stance, and after having a few frank conversations about it, we've pretty much left the issue alone. Not that it's particularly off-limits; we just don't have much more to say about it. I strongly suspect they still hope and pray this is just a "phase" of some kind, but I don't begrudge them that if it gives them hope. With time, I think they will realize that I've crossed the point of no return.
Much like HiveRadical here, I also think they're hoping to find the "hot issue" that drove me out. In fact, I said something negative about polygamy once, and they looked immediately pleased and said, "Is that why you don't believe in the church anymore?" I got a chuckle out of their eagerness to have a handle on my apostasy. I said, "Sure, polygamy was a disaster, but it's not necessarily a deal-breaker in isolation. For some people it may be the straw that broke the camel's back, but the full weight of problems is much greater than just that."
Here's hoping someday you will have the chance to be more open with your parents, and that by so doing you will maintain (or even improve) your relationship with them.
Hive- You derived "polygamy" from my list of books? Only two of those books are about polygamy, and 3 more touch on it. I've known about polygamy and polyandry since I was young. I'll say it again: try reading my whole blog.
Abner explained it well in his paragraph--"I also think they're hoping to find the "hot issue" that drove me out..."
Short story: evidence against JS's claims outweighed evidence for. Then I decided harm outweighed good in the church. In my _opinion_ and _for me_, of course. There is no hot issue; there is no straw that broke the camel's back. There's a whole lot of things, and I'm not going to list them.
Hive said: "My prayers will be with your parents. I pray you will return."
I find that insulting. I am not in need of saving. I am not bad or doing anything wrong or struggling. I'm living a happy and fulfilling life. If praying makes you feel better, go for it; just don't tell me about it.
Abner- I think my parents are looking for a hot issue too. Sometimes I think that they think, "Well, if it's just polygamy, I've already figured out how the church can have practiced polygamy and still be true, so my testimony is not in danger. Maybe I can help fta reconcile that issue too."
I think they know me well enough to know it wasn't some "big sin" like adultery that did it; they know it had to do with my thinking my way out. But you are lucky; my parents would not have a frank conversation with me about the issues. Maybe someday.
Zarathustra- That's an interesting idea, that gender is at play. I think something else might be at play in your father-in-law's willingness to talk to you, though, too. You're an outsider. He can confide in you in ways he couldn't to his own children.
Sometimes it's easier to say things to people further from us than closer to us--just as it is easier to write my personal experiences and thoughts to the internet.
As far as my dad goes, I don't think gender has ever gotten in the way of our discussing (Mormon) theology, philosophy, science, and other intellectual interests. I'd actually be much more comfortable talking to my dad about my beliefs--if he'd ever express interest in doing so.
But then again, maybe the fact that I'm "his precious little girl" has emotionally affected him to the point that he doesn't want to talk about it. Hmm.
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