emotions and leaving

I wrote this to a faithful Mormon who asked how I have emotionally responded to leaving the church.

Regarding emotions and leaving the church: It was absolutely devastating. You have no idea how horrible it felt to question, destroy, lose everything I thought I knew. And given that Mormonism teaches that good feelings point to God and bad feelings point to Satan, well, you can imagine the second guessing of myself, etc. I ultimately decided, though, that feelings weren't a good way to measure truth. So all those negative emotions I felt weren't Satan leading me astray or the Holy Ghost telling me I was doing something wrong, but rather the mental and emotional anguish that comes with questioning your world, and losing it. I'm working on a little personal essay right now about all the negative emotions I felt at the time of my break with the church. Then I'll probably write one about all the positive emotions I felt. 'Cause there is a good side to it all.

But through it all, through all that destruction of my world, there was a new hope, a new growth, a new me. It was very scary for a while, wondering where my direction would come from, how to define my morals, wondering who I am, etc. But I realized within myself I have a perfectly functional moral compass, and I am capable of reasoning, deciding. And that there is a whole slew of philosophers, theologians, writers, scientists, etc, who have also asked the Big Questions in Life and come to various, helpful, enlightening conclusions. I know Mormonism calls his "relying on the arm of flesh," but that's way more comfortable for me right now than relying on God.