on questioning, or being a heretic

For a while, when I was still a believer, and reading through some Sunstone and Dialogue issues, I earnestly and innocently put my questions and doubts forth to other Mormon believers, thinking I would get earnest and honest answers. Mostly I got bearings of testimony, or got advised to "put my questions on the back burner" or "you'll understand later, in the after life." The stuff I was reading and thinking was so compelling to me; I couldn't understand why others didn't find it interesting or important like I did.

None of their answers or routes were satisfactory to me. I kept asking and searching, but learned to keep my questions to myself and to those I trust not to just bear me their testimonies. That's not what I needed. I felt like I must confront this issues and doubts, ask these questions, even at the risk of going through pain and confusion (which I certainly have).

Ultimately, I think everyone who goes through questioning their faith, the meaning of life, etc. (whatever their religions), are the better for it. No matter what their conclusions. Whether they decide to stick with that leap of faith, or whether they decide to stay confused, or whether they decide to abandon their religious heritage--each comes to a conclusion that works best for them.

That doesn't mean there's no pain in it. On the contrary, I went through a dark and difficult time for a while, but I am now happy and content with my decisions as they stand now. I continue to search, and I'm happy with that too.