(not) coming out to our families
After it was clear to us that we no longer wanted to be a part of the Mormon church, we realized our families were going to have to know about it. But how, when? Do we ease them in to the idea? Let it fall in one blow? Wait until we could do it person? On the phone? In email or letters? Just let them notice we replaced garments with Hanes when we did laundry at their house? Order wine at the next family dinner?
As we talked, we realized we both had very different styles and attitudes about telling--he was more of the let-them-just-figure-it-out style, and I was a they-need-a-formal-letter style--so we decided that my husband's family would find out in his way, and mine would find out in my way.
But the prospect was extremely frightening. I knew how I, my parents, and my siblings had reacted to hearing others' "apostasy" announcements, and it wasn't pretty. Long story short: apostates were 1) stupid, and 2) wrong. The idea of the loss of a loved one for all eternity is too much to bear. Inactives were on the fringes of family affairs, not talked about, misunderstood, unhappy. Apostates were even worse. Inactives were just making mistakes. Apostates were willful sinners and revilers. I was soon to announce that I had joined their camp.
So, I put it off. For several months, I hid. Every time the phone rang, I hesitated. Was it my parents? I avoided phone calls on Sundays, because "How was church today?" would inevitably come up. Every time I did talk to my parents, I felt like I was lying to them, even though we didn't talk about church.
I knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be. But I still couldn't figure out how to bring it up, or write that letter. It was awful.
5 comments:
It can be a very difficult thing. As I was leaving - luckily I lived with my parents so I had been debating my doubts with them for some time. I was also arguing with them about whether or not I needed to be forced to attend church or seminary. So I had a different situation.
I don't remember really addressing my apostacy with my extended family at all. I had an open policy if I was asked - but otherwise I didn't talk about it one way or the other.
It would be very stressful as an adult to address such an issue with my parents and siblings.
aerin- I am always amazed by teenagers who had enough of their own brain to leave. How old were you?
We sent a letter by email to all of the adults in my wife's family. Our revealing our beliefs became necessary when our first child was to be blessed in church. I was not going to bless him and neither grandfather wanted to do it (long story). I was not going to have them think I wasn't giving the blessing because I sinned, so I told them I don't believe in the church anymore and had left.
I was 16 when I stopped believing- but I continued attending until I was 18 (long story).
It helped that:
1 - my parents encouraged us to question and think about things
2 - we lived outside of Utah
3 - other people in my extended family had already left (chanson) so I wasn't forced to blaze a trail
dave- Makes sense. We haven't had any big event such as a child's blessing, baptism, or someone's temple wedding. So there was no moment at which we would need to reveal ourselves.
aerin- Ibet living inside of utah would have slowed things down. But then, rolypoly, who occasionally comments here, also stopped believing at 16. But she kept up the appearances for years, and even went to BYU. Yikes.
You're related to chanson? I'm jealous. :)
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