coming out of the non-believer's closet
When I was still "in the non-believer's closet," that period when I wasn't going to church, but hadn't told my family so, I struggled terribly. I was pained about not only how and when I should tell them, but what to tell them, and, especially, how they would react. During that time, I wrote the following.
Oh, how I wish I had an immediate family member to "come out" to! I come from an uber-TBM family, all children married in the temple, several went on missions, dad's in a high position, etc. I am the first one to "lose the faith." That's not to say I'm the first to "struggle with my testimony," because several have had issues with, say, polygamy, women's position, leaders who are supposed to be inspired by God but who do really stupid things, etc. But they are all in a place where they say, "Well, it's God's church, it's really true, so I can reconcile and put up with the crap, as long as I know that God is somewhere behind it and is fixing things, even if it's slowly." I used to be in that place. Until about three months ago.
Since then, it's come crashing down remarkably quickly. And who do I tell? Luckily I have a husband who is in the same place as me. Some people are lucky in that parents or siblings paved the way before them. I'm in the extreme position of "first one out."
My mom is my biggest reason I have not come out yet. I have a somewhat manipulative, guilt-tripping mom. She struggles with depression. I grew up not bothering to ask if I could go play with Sally next door because I knew my mom would say, "No, honey, I don't feel like it." The whole family does a delicate ballet around Mom's feelings and reactions. Don't want to upset Mom. I can imagine the magnitude of the reaction when she finds out about me. Major crying episodes, definitely. Ask my father for priesthood blessings, absolutely. Spiral of depression that she'll then self-medicate with prayer, oh yeah.
But ultimately, I have to tell myself, it's her business how she reacts. It's not my fault.
4 comments:
Oh man, your mom and mine should totally be best friends. My mom isn't so much depressed as just mind-numbingly selfish, but manipulative and guilt-tripping? Fo' sho. And she pretty much has the corner on self-righteous smugness. Argh. I was lucky in knowing - or being fairly sure, at least - that my dad and my brother would be supportive and okay with my decision (both are still in the church to different degrees, but not crazy). But it was still hard to tell them. Blah - families are hard.
This reminds me of DW. Related to the big GA's of the last few decades (and today), with no apostates since her great-grandfather or something like that. So she keeps telling me that if she were to lose her testimony she could never be happy because it would destroy her super-faithful, extremely close, wonderful family. My views have been shared with all parents. I dread expanding the circle of knowledge to faithful siblings, who will have to go through the same cog-dis of "ujlapana is smart, fun, and nice" versus "ujlapana is an apostate, ergo stupid, wretched, and cruel."
Powerful post, and very wise!
"...I have to tell myself, it's her business how she reacts."
Isn't it awkward when adults have to own up to being adults... and that life is unfair and that we don't get every little miniscule thing that we want?
Or.
Isn't it humbling to understand life's opportunities, the magnitude of personal freedom and choice that we have?
Sure. Take a pill. It won't change reality - just your response to it.
*singing*
Open the window and what do I see? Valium prescriptions poppin' faster than speed...
*end of singing*
*singing*
Open the window and what do I see? Valium prescriptions poppin' faster than speed...
*end of singing*
Oh, sideon, that's hilarious!
Rebecca- It seems like a whole lot of Mormon moms are similar is many ways...hmm, I wonder why that could be?
ujapana- "So she keeps telling me that if she were to lose her testimony she could never be happy because it would destroy her super-faithful, extremely close, wonderful family." Sounds like my family!
When I was visiting them recently, someone from their ward referred to us as "The Big Happy Family." She said it in all seriousness and admiration. I thought how ironic it was, since there have been a couple church hiccups and a couple divorce hiccups, but I wasn't about to dish out the details to her.
Post a Comment