Friday, February 09, 2007

timetable of disblieving and leaving, part 2

Continuing from yesterday's post...

Of all the disaffected, ex-, and former Mormons I've met, none of them followed those paths. None of them left because they were offended by something said in Sacrament meeting (it may have been the last straw to push them from faithful non-believer to non-attender, though). Plenty of them, myself included, were faithful attenders, pray-ers, and scripture-searchers for years, and up to the point of non-believing.

I don't know anyone who was offended and then sought to justify that feeling through reading "anti-Mormon" literature. I do know people became disaffected through their own reasoning and moral compass, and only read the literature later. I also don't know anyone who read the scholarly literature on Mormonism and "believed every word." From what I've seen, many people start reading in an honest and innocent desire to understand Mormonism better, and to be a better Mormon. When I read, I didn't just believe every word. In fact, I disbelieved a great portion of it, denied much of it, ignored a lot of it. I twisted evidence, I manipulated interpretations, I hoped beyond hope that some of the stuff I was reading didn't mean what I feared it meant. And when I finally got past that barrier that wouldn't let me look at it objectively, I read critically. I checked references, I sought corroborating evidence, I followed up with multiple sources, I carefully chose what to read and pointedly avoided anything I thought would be "anti-Mormon."

To help dispel the misconceptions about how Mormons become disaffected, I add my timetable of disbelieving and leaving. My story is just one anecdote in the world of the DAMU; each story is unique, interesting, and valid. We are not easily offended sinners who can't tell a lie from a well-researched argument.

My mental break from the church began in fall 2003 when I read Under the Banner of Heaven, Mormon Enigma, Sunstone, Dialogue, and met real live (in the closet) disaffected Mormon friends. I continued reading, at a slow pace, for the next year or so. My serious mental break started in February/March 2005. I decided I still wanted a temple recommend, as an anchor, and got it honestly and legitimately (though, admittedly, with a little wider interpretations than the interviewers probably expected). Within a week I started reading in earnest, with an open mind. After reading some more books, my belief in the church was gone within weeks.

Immediately after (not before) the loss of belief, I did the the following, in this order.

-stopped reading Mormon scriptures

-stopped paying tithing to the church

-stopped praying, in the Mormon sense

-stopped wearing garments

-
stopped going to LDS church services

-resigned from my calling

-tried coffee

-tried alcohol

-shopped on Sunday

-became an atheist

I went from temple-recommend holder to non-believer, non-attender in two months. I never, ever, ever thought it would happen. I used to be as TBM as they come.

10 comments:

C. L. Hanson said...

Personally, I didn't read anything anti-Mormon until I had stopped believing. Shortly after my deconversion, I read The Godmakers -- just to see what was in it -- and I was really pissed-off by it. I figured since there are so many real criticisms of Mormonism, why write this nonsense?

I have never met anyone who stopped believing because of being "offended" -- I'm not even really sure where this stereotype comes from. It's like one of those things where you hear it repeated so many times that you figure it must be at least based on a grain of truth or something...

Threads of the Divine said...

Thanks for the last two posts. Well put. Leaving the church has nothing to do with being offended for most that leave. I've seen a couple of cases over the years where new members appeared to be offended by someone and stopped coming. Someone was definely rude to them, but I think it was assumed that they were offended. The thought being, "What else could it be?" The truth could have easily been that they just stopped believing or just didn't feel like coming.

I think it's safe to say that those that leave due to just being offended are few.

from the ashes said...

Simeon said: The thought being, "What else could it be?"

Yes, I think people, for their own sanity, need a explanation for why people would leave. "If it makes me so happy, how could it make her unhappy?" or "If it's true, how could someone leave?" To keep a coherent world view, people need an explanation that fits: She was offended. Therefore, it is HER fault, not the church's.

CL- I still haven't seen or read the Godmakers or anything similarly anti-Mormon. The closest I've come is Under the Banner of Heaven, but even that is more a criticism of fringe groups than Mormonism as a whole (even if people unfamiliar with Mormonism don't see it that way).

Anonymous said...

I do know people who stopped attending because they were offended by this one or that one. In the ward I grew up in a very, very active (but somewhat touchy) family stopped coming because the bishop (who was admittedly a pompous ass) pissed them off. As soon as he was released they started coming every week as if the previous six years had never happened. But they did NOT stop believing.

Stopping believing and stopping attending are two very different things that I believe are not parsed out by people like Bednar. There are plenty of inactive believers out there who don't go for all kinds of reasons--including that somebody treated them rudely (and I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with even that--why go where you're treated like crap?). People who don't believe it anymore are a whole different kettle of fish.

Anonymous said...

Interesting point, bel. I think I initially was still a half-ass believer that just went totally inactive. And some (very extreme) "offense" did occasion my exit, to be sure. That said, after I stopped going, I realized how little I believed in it, and it was soon a distant memory.

I didn't learn about all the historical and doctrinal issues, honestly, until I hooked into the DAMU just last year. I had read Banner of Heaven when it first came out, and found nothing shocking or disturbing in it from a religious perspective (of course, the murders are disturbing, as is MMM), but found it really interesting. And likewise, all the historical/doctrinal stuff I've learned through the DAMU has been interesting and has increased my knowledge, but it hasn't made me any more sure than I already was that the church wasn't "true."

By their fruits ye shall know them - and I had seen one too many times already the ugly fruits of the fact that the church is just a large corporation that operates on power politics and patriarchy and sexism. And runs on the fuel of human lives. Ick.

from the ashes said...

Belaja- That's a good point. There are big differences between stopping believing and stopping attending. For me, they happened one right after the other in quick succession. But for others, they may be non-associated or years apart.

wry- I have a lot of respect for people like you who recognize the church isn't true through their own moral sense. I saw a lot wrong with the church, but I still let it have a hold over me. I regret that--I supported an institution I knew had a lot of bad elements.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, FTA, I appreciate that. I think on the male-dominated DAMU, sometimes what I did is called "feeling bad" or "feeling" my way out of the church. Cuz chicks feel, guys think, ya know?

Ahem. Sorry. I'm a little hostile on the patriarchy front at the moment...

Anyhow, I likewise have a lot of admiration and respect for the studied and thorough way that you have really worked through your faith loss. I never want to get into a doctrine/history argument with you...I'll be out before you even crack your own mental archives. ;-) And I love reading your blog - you make all us wimmens look good.

from the ashes said...

Ah, thanks, wry.

Anonymous said...

And runs on the fuel of human lives. Ick.

I had never thought of it that way before.

Yeah. Ick.

from the ashes said...

Very Matrix-like, yeah?