they pray for me
Though they don't regularly tell me so, I'm sure my family, at least my parents, pray for me. If not daily, then pretty close to it. I think I also make it into the fasts, and occasionally on the temple prayer lists. Perhaps at multiple temples.
I try to interpret this intercessory prayer for my return to the church as they do. From their point of view, I suppose, they are showing they love me, care about me, and want the best for me. That's not a problem in itself. I appreciate that. I hope the best for them, love them, and care for them, too, and show it in my own way, if not through prayer.
But they cast their praying in terms of me returning to the light, of changing my mind. They believe the best (only) way for me to be truly happy is to embrace Mormonism again. They pray for me just as much because they think I'm unhappy, as because they want me to be happy. They think I'm missing something, that I am, in Christian metaphor, hungry.
In this sense, I'd rather not be prayed for, thank you very church.
However, I think there are benefits to prayer--for the pray-er. These benefits, I believe, have nothing to do with actual divine intervention of a supreme being or force, but rather come from various personal, psychological, and social factors. For example, taking time out of the day to pray can serve as a de-stressing moment for a hectic day. Praying together as a couple, family, or congregation can strengthen relationships and provide a sense of social support. Prayer can also be a way of coping with life's difficulties. It can also be a chance to reflect on what you really feel or want, to get in tune with yourself (even if you define that as getting in tune with God's will).
Along similar lines, someone who is prayed for, knows they are prayed for, and wants to be prayed for can feel benefits, mainly because of social support--that psychological boost you feel in knowing someone cares about you.
But in my case, I don't want to be prayed for or fasted for. However, I can accept that they pray for me, for their sake, because it helps them cope. Not that I think they should need to cope with me and my actions, but in their world view, I am treading the wrong path. So I would never ask them to stop, as long as they do it private.
Just, please, don't tell me about it.
6 comments:
Wouldn't it be nice, though, to be loved as we are? I don't feel like that I need any saving and the prayer stuff is a little denigrating, isn't it?
YES! I'm just trying to be positive about. Trying to convince myself, you know.
Sometimes it's surprising to see so many of my own thoughts written down by someone else!
I agree with Hellmut that it would be nice to have them love us as we are. At the same time, from their view it's something they can do to help. Once I come out to my mother, I'm sure she'll be shedding tears in prayer on my behalf morning and night. As long as I don't think about it and she says nothing, that's about as much as I can hope for.
meg- I didn't know you weren't "out" yet. Good luck with that, whenever you come around to coming out.
That reminds me, I've never written about when I came out...note to self.
My mom was extremely upset, my siblings cried, etc. They told me so. And I can understand that, because I would've reacted the same in my TBM days. But as time passed, they deal.
Once my mom told me that she was very upset at the beginning, but after seeing me (this was a year later) so happy and adjusted, she was okay. Not overjoyed, of course. She still thinks I'm not on the correct path, but she does think I'm on MY path--and that it will eventually lead me back to God. She thinks God is leading me. I don't, unless you define God very, very loosely. But it helps her cope, so I let her be. Insisting that she's wrong would do no good, anyway. She'd just see me as young, blind, and not-in-tune-with-the-Spirit. Which she already sees me as.
Eventually I'd prefer to explain more of my principles and reasons, but not now. Not now.
I just said a little prayer for you.
Just kiddin! I'm sure my dad, who works in a temple, has me on all the prayer lists there he can. I'm also fairly certain he's sent out a mass e-mail to my relatives I haven't seen in 13 years, to have them include my apostate ass (and my poor kids) in their prayers too.
Last week I got a suspicious how-are-you? e-mail from a cousin who usually doesn't have the time of day for me....
SML- Oh, that's subversive. I seriously doubt my parents have told any of their siblings, etc. They want to keep my in the closet. I'll return, they figure, so why make a fuss about a little detour from the path?
Besides, talking about apostates drives the Spirit away. Uh, I mean, creates cognitive dissonance.
Post a Comment