initial visit

I went to a counselor for my initial screening visit.

Some thoughts:

I almost laughed out loud when, after I talked about being sad the past little while, the counselor tried to move slyly into the depression index without explicitly saying anything about it. I'm familiar with lots of different scales and indexes, the DSM-IV, etc.

I was more emotional than I imagined I would be. As much as I talk (and type) about my recovery process, you'd think I could just say, "I grew up Mormon, but I no longer believe. It was hard to have my world view shattered" without crying. But I couldn't.

I had a pretty damn good childhood. She asked about childhood, and really, other than the whole Mormon thing, and the fact that my mom had depression, there wasn't much to complain about.

I have a damn good relationship with my husband. She asked about that too, and I had nothing but good stuff to say. We disagree and fight yes, but we do it well.

I've already done a lot of self-reflection about my recovery. But there's a lot more to do, too.

There are certain things that bother me more than I let myself acknowledge. Otherwise, they wouldn't come up so much when I have a chance to let my mouth match my flow of consciousness, would they?

Both of my recent "it" moods were triggered by things that had nothing to do with Mormonism. They were emotional, but not Mormonism at all. But when the emotions came up, I thought about Mormonism. In other words, (negative?) emotions and recovery from Mormonism are all balled up into one big overwhelming ugliness for me right now. Or, because I'm full-swing in my recovery, I emotionally over-react to things that would've otherwise been more normal.

....

So now I have to wait to be set up with a regular counselor. Insurance, how their system works, and all that. It may take weeks. But at least I've made my way out of that awful "it" mood that lasted a week and a half. (Or maybe I'm just having a good day.)