how sad is too sad?

Sometimes I have those "it" moods, when everything is clouded and hopeless, when I'm sluggish and can't pull myself out of my bed, when I can't concentrate on anything but my exit from Mormonism. When crying sessions seem to come spontaneously and without explanation. These moods generally last only a day or two. Everyone has shitty days now and then. I think I'm entitled to a few.

But this time, it's lasted for over a week now. That's more than half-way to the major diagnostic point on depression: it has to last two weeks. I've had trouble getting out of bed, even when I wasn't tired. I've had trouble getting motivated to work (I'm at work now, if that's any indication). I've had trouble feeling like anyone gives a damn about me. I've been on the verge of tears way too often. And while I've had my good moments and laughed and enjoyed playing with my kids, the normal mood, the place I always fall back to, is achingly sad.

On the third day of this bottom-of-the-roller-coaster spot, I randomly met my friend on the street. He asked me how I was doing, and I started crying right there on the street. Luckily, we were right outside his apartment, so he invited me in and indulged me with a cup of tea and a listening ear for a couple hours. (I'm so embarrassed that I took two hours of your time to vent, D. Since you don't have a full-time job, a busy wife, a dissertation, and three kids or anything.) I explained to him that I've always thought of seeing a therapist when I was down, but then I go up again. It always goes away, so I think I'm okay. His answer struck me: "You never think to fix the roof when it's sunny outside."

How many rain storms do I have to suffer before I get around to fixing the roof?

Maybe I'm not okay. Maybe blogging, while helpful and fun, isn't quite enough. Don't get me wrong; it's immensely satisfying to have other exmos tell me, "I know exactly what you mean," and "Yes, I felt like my youth was stolen away from me, too," and find fellowship in that common experience. But maybe I need a little outsider-perspective.

I think I still allow my own interpretation of me and my process to be influenced by Mormonism, and by my family's view of me, ie, negatively. While I don't think I'm going to hell like Mormonism would tell me I am, I still have trouble seeing me as "standing up for what I believe in" instead of "I'll be excluded from future temple weddings." Maybe that's because the conscience I had for 25 years always told me questioning the church was evil. It takes time to rebuild and reinterpret. And maybe a little perspective that I haven't been able to achieve on my own.

To that end, I called a therapist and set up an appointment.

Whew, I did it.