visit
Well, my sister was here all weekend, which is partly why I've been neglectful of my blog. She had no idea about my blog, and I still want it to stay that way.
This is the sister I get along with smashingly, and am the closest to. I'm not going to give a play-by-play of the weekend, but I will highlight some of the thoughts and moments where the whole we're-not-believers-anymore thing came up (which was probably 10% of the whole weekend).
The Word of Wisdom
We debated whether or not to hide the coffee pot, tea boxes, and signs that we drink alcohol. I ended up leaving out the coffee pot and the tea, but moving the open bottle of wine and the shot glasses out of the line of sight. I left them in the open, but up on shelves, along with the wine and martini glasses. There was also beer in the fridge. I don't think she noticed them, but that didn't matter much since Mr. FTA openly said he was 29 the first time he tried alcohol, and then had a beer at a dinner party we all went to. At the dinner, the drink options were beer, ice tea, and cherry juice--for the kids. She had a cherry juice, and we smiled at each other about that in a knowing way. She didn't say anything about the alcohol, but I think it was probably a little uncomfortable for her. She has non-Mormon in-laws that drink, so it's not like she's never been exposed to it. Still, I'm sure it's a little weird.
At the same time, though, I think it's made her see us as the Secret Keepers. That is, she can tell us things about "sins" that she wouldn't tell anyone else in the family. She can comfortably "confess" things, because she knows we're non-judgmental and won't spread the gossip. Which is kind of flattering, really.
She was, at least, comfortable enough to bring things up. In the kitchen, she sat on the counter next to the coffee maker and casually said, "So, you drink coffee now, huh?" And we had a conversation about how caffeine affects us, how we like the smell, etc. She was really laid back and cool about it. She just doesn't care, because she recognizes that we don't think the Word of Wisdom came from God. She also confirmed that my mom knows I drink coffee, and that Mom is weirded out by it. "I'm just afraid they started drinking because they left the church." Um, no, Mom, we started because there was no good reason not to, and lots of reasons to start. Oh, and because we like it.
The Sabbath Day
We wondered what my sister had planned as far as attending church. Honestly, I would have been a little miffed if she decided to attend 3 hours of church, when she was only visiting me for less than 48 hours in the first place. Sunday was our only full day together. But I also didn't want to get in the way of her religious choices. If I had decided to put my foot down and say, "Family is more important than religion, and you should spend this time with me!" I would have been hypocritical, because I would have been putting religion (non-religion) before family. Demanding her not to go to church would have been as ridiculous and my family demanding I attend with them. So on Saturday night, I asked her what she was thinking about church. She said she'd at least like to go to sacrament meeting, so I told her when and where the LDS ward meets. Then I offered to take her to the UU meeting, which started an hour later. She seriously considered that, but felt enough desire to go to sacrament that she wanted to go to both meetings. The timing wouldn't work out, I explained, and she decided on the LDS services.
Sunday morning, I drove her down and dropped her off. She was going to take her kid too, but since he would have just been restless and wanting to play with his non-church-going cousin (my kid), she let me just take her kid along with mine to the park to play.
Family Relations
After church while we were eating lunch, Mr. FTA asked my sister what the talks were about. She said the missionaries spoke about missionary work. I joked, "So are you going to try to give us a gospel message?" She laughed and made a joke about it. We got into a discussion about how she's the only one comfortable enough to talk to us about the whole church thing, and she expressed how stupid she thinks it is that everyone else is so uncomfortable. She suggested that next time we visit the family, we sit everyone down and acknowledge the 800-pound gorilla. That we say, "Listen, we left. So what? We don't want to tear anyone down. We still want to be your family. We still want good relationships with you. Don't be afraid to ask us questions, or tell us things, or talk about church in front of us. But if you do bear your testimonies, be prepared to hear our opinions too." It's probably a good suggestion. Most people are probably just waiting for us to say something first, worrying that they will offend us or drive us further away if they bring it up. Things are better (less awkward) with everyone we have talked to about it. I don't know what we'll do. I'll think about it some more.
A little awkwardness aside, we had a great weekend.
6 comments:
Oops, I accidentally turned off comments on this. This is what "same anon" said regarding this post:
"I wanted to respond to your comments about your visit with your sister, but there isn't a place to respond. I think it is good you have a strong relationship with your sister. One of the reasons I work to keep positive relationships with non-members (especially family) is so they can ask me questions and I can ask them questions, and we can have a dialogue. That, to me, is much healthier than everyone quietly sitting by and building up their own ideas inside as to what the other person thinks.
Again, recalling my own experiences in leaving one church for another, I can tell you it's not always easy to tell someone as close as a sibling that you are leaving their church. My sister did not take it so well that I converted. She assumed (and I believe still assumes) I did it to please my wife. My Dad continued to say that for a long time but seems to have accepted it is simply not true. By being open about it with them, though, it is much easier on both of us to understand choices we make and comments we make. If I never told my family I was a Mormon, then got married in the temple suddenly, that would be very hard. If I never told them and got angry once that they'd poured me a tea at a meal, they would be terribly confused, and I wouldn't blame them. In the South, many places serve water or tea with meals automatically, and you have to ask for the water, so it can lead to some comments automatically. Ironically, following the Word of Wisdom was easy for me in that way because I never liked tea, coffee, alcohol, or tobacco. I drank coffee very rarely and then only if full of sweeteners and cream, and I was pretty adept at mixing drinks in college (I was an unofficial bartender in college for several parties my friends had). I just never had a real attraction to any of it, though. You could ask me to give up eating dirt, liver, tuna salad, and puppy chow and I probably would've felt it about as much as I did in "giving up" what I did with the Word of Wisdom. Sorry for the digression. My point was, I wish sometimes my sister was more open to discussing our differences than she has been. We only recently exchanged emails about our beliefs, and after I sent one back asking for more explanation pf the Trinity she never replied. On the other hand, my wife's sister who is not a member is probably more open with me about her questions about faith than with anyone. She even called me to ask about something she'd heard that other people believe, and we ended up having a two hour chat about it. Open discussion is healthy, and I am glad you have that in your life. Everyone should be so lucky."
The transition out is tough, I have found that with my wife's tbm family who are lds. On the other hand my non-lds family mostly my brother and mom took me converting to the church very hard. I just chalk it up to you will not please everyone all the time. Just be true to yourself.
Sounds like the weekend went pretty well. My brother was in town a few weeks ago, and he was the first person in my family that I've told. He's done the whole rebellious thing and is now returning to the church. His desire to return didn't interfere with his willingness to have a beer with us, which was fun.
I am so glad things went well. I agree with your sister's comments. Sounds like (for the most part) she has her head on straight. And she's putting her family first. Thanks for sharing.
So glad to hear you had a great visit! I'm especially glad to hear that your sis is as cool as ever (not that I'm at all surprised). I wish I had a sibling I could be that honest with.
Strangely, it's my parents who are the most "ok" with me and my heathen lifestyle. Mind you, we don't touch doctrinal issues with 50 foot pole, but they also didn't blink an eye when I started loading the beer into the cooler for the BBQ we were going to last weekend! :)
That sounds like an awesome visit. You handled the church attendance well.
:)
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