therapist, session 2
I finally got in to see a therapist (stupid insurance). I'll be leaving the area for an extended time, so I will probably only be able to get in one to two more sessions. But I decided to go ahead and meet with the counselor anyway. Two sessions can't hurt.
I've been feeling much, much more emotionally stable the past couple months than I was in February, when I originally called a counselor. But I certainly still have things to talk about and issues to think through. Since we only had a couple sessions, the counselor asked me if there was anything I'd like to target our sessions on, any issue in particular. I choose to bring up relations with my family, because I'm going to be visiting them soon, for longer than just a few days like my normal trips.
I'm worried about setting boundaries to keep away attempts to indoctrinate my kids. I don't think anyone would do it on purpose (no one would secretly baptize him, as the therapist said), but Mormon culture doesn't teach boundaries well. They could cross them without it ever occurring to them that a boundary could even exist. Like the time I was telling my son about boy animals and girl animals, and my mom piped in, "Yep, and that's how Heavenly Father made it." Cringe.
I'm worried that no one will just acknowledge the 800-pound gorilla in the room. That looming, stifling, uncomfortable presence of our non-Mormon-ness that sometimes feel so obvious that I just want to scream, "Will somebody say something!?! I'm not wearing garments! I drink coffee! I think Joseph Smith was a putz! I don't believe we need Jesus!" But I never would. No, I never would.
I'm worried that I'll feel out of place when the family says prayers. Food prayers and family prayers, multiple prayers a day. I wish my dad would ask me to say a prayer. And then I could say it in my own way, not invoking any deity, but expressing gratitude and joy and being together and being alive. I wish that if I did that, my family would accept it as a legitimate prayer, instead of seeing it as an empty, lost shadow of The True Way to Pray that they use.
I'm worried that my nieces and nephews will hear things in primary about how bad non-Mormons are, and start to believe about how their cousins--my kids--are failing somehow. How my kids are lost in the world, without the gospel, and need to be brought to the light. I'm worried that they will, in their childishness, chastise them for not praying before lunch, or for not attending church, or for saying, "God's just pretend" or "Jesus is dead" as they sometimes do.
I'm worried I won't be able to stand up for myself when it's important, worried about how to find that line of when to let it slide and when to challenge. I'm worried about making them uncomfortable. I'm worried that simply being myself will make them uncomfortable. And then I wonder, is that so bad? Wouldn't it be better to just live my life how I will live it, and let them make the adjustments necessary to having a non-believer in their family? Where's that balance of not being bowled over by their Mormon-ness, and not bowling them over with my position?
Why am I subjecting myself to this?
And isn't it profoundly sad that I feel spending time with my own family is subjecting myself to something?
8 comments:
EFTA, all good concerns and I would address the issue and deal with it. Both with your kids and your Mormon Family, because just like you don't want your MO family to force their positions on you...the kids saying "Jesus is Dead" would not go over well. Granted they found the grave but to believers that does not matter.
Good luck...
AZ- Oh, you're right. I probably should prep the kids on "why grandma and grandpa do weird things," what prayer is all about, etc, and what they should avoid saying. DS did let slip that I drink coffee last time I visited...
The only trouble is that I'm afraid telling them "don't say this" will only prompt "Mom told me not to tell you..."
My kids see their cousins' differences as "We do things differently." I really hope that the cousins can look at my kids and think the same, rather than "They do things wrong."
Am I a total idiot for thinking you just had the one kid?
Also, we are lame for not having met up.
rebecca- We are, indeed, lame for not meeting up. Sheesh. I've only got about 2 weeks left in the east, too. :(
And isn't it profoundly sad that I feel spending time with my own family is subjecting myself to something?
This is so true...sometimes I feel that way too. And not because of my apostate status, either.
I found that some of the best times when I've met up with my family (post mormon) on Sundays the non mormons (perhaps just you and your kids) all go out and do something fun. Like go out for coffee. Or to a park. I can't really explain it - it's just nice.
I hear what you're saying that spending time with family is subjecting yourself to something - I think it just takes time to identify what you want to do and where you stand.
As you already know, I just got back from a family visit to Utah Valley. I had the opportunity to hang out with my best friend from high school -- we've both been unbelievers for many years and our families have had time to get used to it. My favorite story from this trip is when my best friend's mother told bf's 7 year old that Jesus knows everything. He replied, "Jesus isn't magic, Grandma." :D They still live in Utah and both sides of the family are LDS and they're still managing to raise a little skeptic. Anyway, I thought that story might set your mind at ease a bit about indoctrination efforts. :)
My best advice for visiting home is never, never apologize for your lifestyle or for being who you are. That doesn't mean you go around, saying "Hey I drink coffee now, what do you think about that?" But if you have a story to tell that involves you spilling coffee on the carpet and all the treatments you used to get it out, don't say you spilled herbal tea. And if you go out to breakfast and want coffee, order some. Then let them talk honestly about their lives, even though that means you'll get a big dose of LDS cultural stuff. Sure,I think mormonism is a big fraud, but if I'm not going to apologize for the way I live my life, I try not to make them feel that I think they should. Does that make sense? I'm probably just rambling.
Maybe I have a false sense of wisdom coming from this weekend's events, in which I braved my bare shoulders to the world (IOW, the ward I grew up in), ignored the bewildered looks when I answered that I was marrying in a city without a temple and just focused on congratulating my old playmates on their 5th pregnancies. :)
I hope you have a fun trip -- I'm just sorry our visits couldn't have overlapped.
SML- Ouch. Yes, I remember stories about your family. Good luck.
aerin- I'll try that family outing thing. It's pretty much we do a lot now, even away from family. Yesterday we went out for a great brunch. Sometimes my husband jokes with the kids, "Do you want to go to church now?" The reaction is precious--as if we'd just asked if they want to get an immunization just for fun.
rolypoly- I'm glad you had fun back in the old ward and were able to be yourself. Who is your non-believing bf from HS? Do I know her? Please email me privately! Thanks for the advice; that sounds like solid ground you're operating from. I've noticed I have modified my stories before (take out the coffee, leave out the part about how we went out drinking for DH's birthday). I'll try out being more true to myself and to them. With balance.
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