my world shattered

When I say my world shattered, I mean it. To explain the aftermath of when I realized I didn’t believe in Mormonism, I can explain my emotions—devastation, fear, anger, betrayal, grief, profound sadness. But how about a metaphor?

Mormonism was everything. It influenced my society, my culture, my religion, my way of life. My family, my friends. It influenced how I thought about politics, economics, health. It influenced my life down to the last detail. It influenced where I lived, where I went to college, whom I associated with, whom I married, when I married, when I had a child. And I let it do all that.

In short, Mormonism was my world.

When I finally asked the million dollar questions (What if it’s not true? What does the evidence say?), I felt like I was in the midst of a crumbling building. Everything began falling down around me in chaos and havoc. I wanted so much for it to stop, for the building to go back to normal, to return to my old life.

But then I realized I was not standing idly by or even trying to protect myself from the collapse. Rather, I was actively and aggressively pulling down the building myself. I was afraid. I didn’t want it to fall apart; I didn’t want to pull it apart. But I couldn't stop. I refused to stop.

It was painful and awful and devastating.

And necessary, essential, and good.