exit story 5: journal entry 2

The next time I mentioned my doubts in my journal, it was more than two months after the first time. In the interim, a lot had happened in my life, so those things had consumed me. Shortly after the first entry, I found out I was pregnant, then I miscarried.

This is why I mention such a personal detail: I was asked to give a talk in church, and even though I started bleeding that morning, I still gave the talk. I had a miscarriage while I gave a talk in church. How messed up is that? What power the church had over me that I couldn't say, “Forget it, Bishop, BS your own way through those few minutes in sacrament meeting, I'm sick.” It makes me ill to remember that I thought that was okay.

Here's the journal entry:

“I joined an online forum/message board [NOM] for Mormons—liberal or doubting or inactive, or ex-Mormons. All kinds except the hard-liners. To find community. To find others like us, with questions, but want to remain Mormon.

I dreamt last night that I told my mom how I’m questioning, how I’ve changed. I dreamt she took the news really well, very open-minded and open-hearted. I don’t think reality would match.

I believe in God and Christ. I really, really want to believe in the gospel of the Mormon church, The Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith. No, I believe the restoration of the priesthood, lots of stuff. I just have trouble with the B. of Mormon right now. It teaches good things. But is it authentic? Was Nephi a real person? If it’s fiction, it’s different. Sure, my life can be touched—even profoundly—by fiction, but NOT by fiction that claims to be true. The Church rests so much on its truth. But lately when I read it, I can’t help thinking, “Joseph Smith…Joseph Smith.” Before, I could appreciate the Book for what it was—an ancient account of peoples and prophets and prophesies and acts of God. I liked it that way. Now I can’t get through a chapter without worrying about historicity. And I hate that.

Joseph did some wonderful things. He also did some stupid, terrible things. Why would God choose a prophet like that? Some people say it comforts them to know that God can work with such imperfect people. It does not comfort me. I don’t need a prophet to be perfect, but I do expect him to be decent.

But then, maybe it was the power that changed (corrupted?) Joseph. He was a good, decent guy when God called him. Then things went to his heard and he decided he could “marry” 40+ women.

I don’t know. I don’t know.

Now the best book of scripture to me is the Bible. It used to be the worst, the most difficult, the least familiar. Now I can read the Old Testament as what historians call mythology (not necessarily false, but definitely stories that teach a society’s roots and values), and I’m comfortable with that. I’m not comfortable with the B. of Mormon as mythology. And D&C—I wonder what is from God and what is from Joseph.

All this sounds much worse, I think, than I really am. I just have questions. Questions more than doubts. Big questions.

How will I answer them? The scriptures? The Spirit? Logic and study? I don’t think any of them will answer to my satisfaction right now.”

The next time I wrote about Mormonism, I was a church-attending, non-believier, though still a little in denial. The next time I wrote, I hadn't been to church in a couple months. I'm rather mad at myself for not writing more during that time. I've lost so much of my thought process.