Thursday, October 26, 2006

laziness?

Reevaluating my religion and world view is one of the most important events in my life. I rank it in the top three, up there with getting married and becoming a mother.

It ranks number one as the absolute hardest thing in my life so far.

There are TBMs who think of “inactives” as just too lazy to want to follow all the rules, or not really true believers in the first place, or as having taken the easy way out. That is utterly ridiculous. Staying in, taking the blue pill, closing Under the Banner of Heaven and never finding out more about Joseph Smith, never coming near the edge of the cliff, let along jumping—that would have been the easy way out.

But confronting my very being, looking into the inner recesses of my soul, and reevaluating everything I was ever taught, ever believed, and tearing down my world view, my comfort, my Father, my world, despite my old world view telling me to just STOP, STOP, STOP—that was not easy or lazy.

That? That was hard.

4 comments:

Simeon's Peep Stone said...

This is the aspect of "apostasy" that TBM's will never understand. No matter how many times you tell them, no matter how many different ways you try to explain it, they just won't accept that this isn't somehow or someway something you wanted to happen or made happen through sin. I agree that this ranks right up there with the most life altering things I've been through and one of the hardest.

from the ashes said...

No kidding. I can imagine people wondering what sins we committed to drive us to this. Adultery? Oral sex? Watching rated-R movies? Wanting to try coffee? Missing a GS session? Not sustaining the bishop?

I think people who know me are pretty nice about what they think I could have done. Most likely this is what they think my sin is: pride. I think I'm so damn smart I know better than all those Mormon prophets.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Great post. It is really hard to make them understand. And at the same time it's also hard to show them that you've never felt so authentic or real before, and that the world is a beautiful wonder since you've changed your perception of what is true and what isn't. I'm loving it.

from the ashes said...

"you've never felt so authentic or real before, and that the world is a beautiful wonder since you've changed your perception of what is true and what isn't. I'm loving it."

Amen. I'm loving it to. Even if I feel angry sometimes, I have never enjoyed life more.