that's a bad word
My brother-in-law, S, and I were driving with his four kids and my one kid in his car. We went over a little hill in the road, and his 3-year old, C, piped up with, "Whoa, my penis feels funny!" S and I snickered a little. I had heard stories about C's current curiosity with body parts, like most little kids.
Then from the back, I heard my son whisper, "C, that's a bad word" and giggle.
I've never taught him that anatomically correct words are "bad words," and I don't want him keeping that idea, either, wherever he picked it up. I, for one, didn't have any words for certain female anatomy when I was a kid, and that silence contributed to my ignorance. I didn't know about vaginas until I was in high school health class, and even then, I didn't pay attention because I was so embarrassed. About my own body.
So I explained, "No, honey, that's not a bad word. It's just a word for a body part. Like ear, or nose, or foot." From the driver's seat, S laughed and whispered something about how a penis is different, but I tried to ignore him. I continued explaining to my son, "It's just that saying penis might make some people uncomfortable, like at school. Some places it's inappropriate to say it, but it's not bad."
Encouraged, my son joined in the refrain, "My penis feels funny! My penis feels funny!" until I said that's enough and S tried to distract them with "Name that farm animal feces smell!" as we drove through the farmland and orchards.
Later, when we met up with S's wife, A, my son happened to hear her say on the phone, "I'm gonna kick his ass!" My son immediately turned to C and whispered, "Hey, C, your mom just said 'kick his ass.' Isn't that funny? That means kick his butt."
"Honey, you can't say that word at school, okay?" I told him.
"It's a bad word?" he asked.
"Well...it's a word only for grown-ups, all right?"
"Okay," he answered, giggling.
10 comments:
These are great teaching moments for you, as you are well aware.
I struggle with this a little bit myself too, because I don't want to give words any inherent badness or goodness, really, but rather want my kids to grasp the concept of audience appropriate words, and word classifications (which call for further audience selection).
I still remember one morning, when I was still with my TBM ex, my son came lunging into our bedroom in his hyped-up superhero mode, just happy with life, and repeated some phrase he certainly didn't hear in our house, but had heard nonetheless. "Son of a bitch!" he exclaimed with glee and laughter in his imaginary world he often lives in.
As I tried to maintain my composure and not burst out laughing, things quickly made a turn for the worse as I saw my TBM ex get red in the face and immediately start harping on him about washing his mouth out with soap and generally berating his character for using such language (that he obviously had no idea what it meant).
I later went to him, behind her back, to do some damage control. I tried explaining to him that certain words are "cuss" words, that require careful selection of audience and would be best if they were not used by children at all because of the high price consequences if they let them "slip" to the wrong audience (such as at school). I then went on to explain what the phrase meant, how it was typically used, and such.
Education is always the best policy, in my opinion. I think it's best they understand, as fully as possible, what the words mean, then get some idea of appropriate audience and classification. Ass and penis are certainly not in the same class. Ass is arguably a "cuss" word with most usages, although generally a low-impact one, and penis is strictly a precise biological word. Yet there are audience considerations for both, and as with most biological words, it could be used as a cuss word but it isn't one by nature.
I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, just trying to stir some thought because it's easier to handle these teaching moments when you've had time to think about how to handle them before they're sprung on you. And spring on you they will, often in the most embarrassing and high-pressure ways possible. :)
Matt- Great story about your son. I'm glad you were able to handle things more level-headedly than your ex.
I agree that penis and ass are not in the same category, and I'm trying, as you are, to educate rather than punish when such things come up.
I'm also trying to approach things is such a way that my son feels okay about saying ANYTHING in front of me. I realize as he gets older, he'll move away from talking to mom about things, but I want him to know the channels of communication can be open. So I try not to overreact to such things as repeating "ass" so that he's not scared coming to me about other things. All the while, trying to socialize him to know there are (in)appropriate places and situations to talk about certain things.
I hope the language in this story doesn't offend you. It really is necessay.
When our young man was about the same age as yours, one day he walked up to his dad and asked, 'What does fuck mean. Why is it a bad word?'
It seems that he had heard one of our farm hands use it; the hand then saw Sandeep there and told him to never, ever use that word. Of course, that picqued his curiosity.
I was in the next room and just had to listen in on this little father-son talk.
'Well, it means what married people do to make babies. But it's word we don't use.'
'Oh. OK.' Then that innocent, innocent voice. 'Daddy, did you and mommy fuck to make me?'
I had to hear this. Mani was much more traditional about such things that I was, and the thought of him discussing his sex life with his 5 year old son was delicious.
'Uh, yes. But that's too private to talk about. And we don't use that word. It's a bad word.'
'Oh. OK. Why is it a bad word?'
A thoughtful silence. 'I really don't know. But it's about the baddest word there is.'
'Oh. OK. Daddy, do chickens fuck? They always have baby chicks around?'
A bit impatiently. 'We don't use that word.'
'Well, do they, uh, whatever the word is?'
'Copulate. The word you want is copulate.'
'Well, do they cop-u-late?'
'Yes, that's how babies are made. People, chickens, goats, fish.'
'Oh. OK'
'Sandeep, never use that other word, especially around your mother. It would be very disrespectful.'
And, you know, I don't think he ever did.
I am laughing my a** off at all these things, just waiting for my turn to come up. My two-year-old came home the other week saying "Oh My Dod" and "Oh Ship"...so I am sure the "badder" words are just a few months away!
Thanks for the good advice on handling it when it does.
That's a great story, Mai. I'm glad your DH and son were able to have a good talk about it. When my brother accidentally said fuck as a little kid, my dad immediately washed his mouth out with soap. My brother had no idea why our dad was doing that.
becca- There's plenty more fun to come, trust me!
Whoa - I don't mean to sound judgemental, but did no one in your family have a sense of humour?
We were plenty religious, everything we did was because we were Sikhs, but, as I recall, when I was growing up,we laughed at just about everything, except when I tormented the cat, but that's another story...That cat was so stupid, she was just asking for it...
Love that story by Mai. Haven't laughed like that in some time.
Great post, FTA.
Mai- I think the whole family agrees that my dad's reaction to my bro's slip-up was well over the top. We all laugh about it now. Especially my brother (who always had a fascination with bad words).
Oh, good.
I was hoping your family wasn't really so...whatever.
You're such a nice and interesting person, you must be from good - if maybe a bit misguided - people!.
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