the old friend answers

A couple days after I wrote my friend about my non-belief, I got an email back. She was not entirely surprised, she said, having received hints both from me and her mom, who is friends with my mom. The fact that she picked up on some things from my conversations and behavior was not surprising to me. I had, after all, declined to attend the temple with her last time I visited, and suggested we see Confessions of a Mormon Boy instead. (It's a one-man show about a gay man's journey away from Mormonism and toward his own sense of self. She declined to see it, saying she had heard it was "raunchy.") I also told her I didn't have a calling, wasn't visiting teaching, and that I thought ol' Joe Smith started polygamy for sex and power. Not exactly a faithful conversation. And now that she knows I'm a non-believer, she can comfortably discount anything I said before that caused her cognitive dissonance, uh, I mean, caused the Spirit to leave the room.

What did surprise me was that she had heard something about me from her mom. The only way her mom would have heard about me is from my mom. I had honestly thought that my mom kept my disaffection quiet, you know, the black sheep, the dirty, family secret. I guess not. I can only suppose that she framed it in terms of "my daughter is struggling with her testimony," which I would completely disagree with. I'm not struggling with my testimony; I don't have a testimony. I don't want a testimony. I don't even think in terms of testimony anymore. It's more than a difference of semantics, but it's not worth arguing with her about it.

My friend was, understandably, upset. Even though she'd had some hints, she didn't "realize the extend to which my faith had diminished." Again, not the terminology I would use. But it's more than terminology, it's the thinking that comes with it. Do "diminished" and "struggling" describe me well? I'd say, no. I would approach it more in terms of "liberated" or "opened up." But I'm not going to argue that with believers, because it implies they are "not liberated" and "closed off." I try to use more neutral terms, such as "I don't believe anymore" or "I believe differently now."

Bless her heart, she assured me that she loved me very much and wouldn't let this destroy our friendship. I do believe she is sincere in that, but I also recognize the strain that too often occurs in Mormon/non-Mormon relationships. For my part, I will work to keep the friendship up.

She said she had plenty of questions about my disaffection, so I sent her a revised, shortened version of my exit story that I have posted on this blog. I also sent a version of my thoughts on how our families blame my husband for my "struggles," since I figured she'd have questions about how he played into this. I have yet to receive her thoughts on it, but I think it was probably a heavy blow. She's actually the first believing Mormon I've sent my exit story to. I haven't even sent it, as such, to the one sister who would willingly read it.

I'll see what happens next.