birds and bees

My home growing up was not a safe space to talk. I couldn't talk about boyfriends or church issues or complain about anything, really, because my mom inevitably handled it poorly. Her way of handling things was to snap out about how I should do things the church's way. If I had a crush on a boy at 14, her response would be an angry and impatient "You're too young!" So did I stop having crushes on boys because I was too young? No, of course not. I just stopped telling her about it. If I had a church question, she'd just say, "Pray about it." Or "I've prayed about it, and I feel fine. What's your problem?" If I had a bad day at school, and I just needed to say so out loud in order to get it off my chest, she'd say, "Quit being so ornery! You'll drive the Spirit away."

It's a good thing I was never rebellious; that could've been very, very ugly.

We've been very open with our son about the sticky issues. We've had 4-year-old-level talks about HIV, God, death, gay marriage, the Easter bunny and Santa, and sex (he saw some farm animals and asked), etc. We've been so open, that sometimes he gets a little too open at school. His teachers have told us, "Your son was talking about the war in Iraq to the other 4-year-olds; I told him that if he wants to talk about that stuff, he should talk to one of the teachers. Sound okay?"

I much, much prefer that he feel comfortable to talk about anything with us than have him be afraid to talk to us and get his information elsewhere. I know he'll get information elsewhere, too, but I want to foster a safe space for him at home. I encourage it by trying to answer his questions, and not act repulsed or impatient like my mom did. Even when he says silly, naughty words like fart and poo-poo face, I remind him that it's okay to say those things when we're being silly at home; but try not to say them at school, okay? Home is the place for that kind of thing.

I know that when he gets older, he'll probably want to be a little less open with his mom and dad. But I sincerely hope that when the time comes, he'll be able to ask, "Mom, where can I get some condoms?" And I won't yell, "You're too young to have sex!"

(But at the rate he's asking questions now, he'll probably know about condoms and ask where to get them by the time he's 6. And then I will say, "You're too young to have sex." But at least I won't yell.)