Mormon funeral
For the first time in about 18 months, I stepped foot in a Mormon chapel. The occasion was a funeral of a wonderful old man, the father/grandfather of a family I grew up with. I had jokingly made a New Year's resolution in 2006 that I would not enter of Mormon church building. I fulfilled my resolution. But this was January 2007 now, and I figured this man and his family were worth breaking my boycott. I wore pants. I did sing the hymns, even the parts about Jesus. I wondered what impression that was giving my mom, who was right next to me.
It was touching to hear about the man's life; he really was an amazing man. But it was also awkward. Mormon funerals tend to be all about how the person is happier on the other side, reunited with Heavenly Father and all the family who preceded the deceased in death. The Mormon theology of life and death provides a great deal of comfort to the family members. They think that not only did the person die at the pre-appointed time, but also that the person is wonderfully happy. Perhaps bringing the greatest sense of comfort is the idea that they will all see the person again, after they die too.
From an outsider's perspective, the most frustrating thing is that the speakers talk more about the plan of salvation than the life of the person. Earthly life is just a second compared to eternity, they say, and so the pre- and post-mortal existences are more important to discuss. This, in my opinion, belittles the person. Here they are at the funeral, and the deceased is talked about in a short eulogy, and that's about it. Aren't funerals supposed to be celebration of the life of the person?
Aren't they also supposed to be a chance for people to grieve and mourn together? And yet at this funeral and ones I've been to before, there was very little crying. It was almost as if people didn't go through the grieving process, or they only skimmed the surface of it, never feeling any depth of emotion about the loss. I talked to a daughter and two grandkids immediately afterward, and they were happy, friendly, smiling, as if I were simply greeting them after regular church services. I don't mean to accuse them of not caring or loving. They certainly did love him a great deal, they feel the loss, and they miss him. But with holding to the idea that they'll see him again in a few years, how much can they miss him? It's one thing to say goodbye for a while; it's another thing entirely to have that person gone. Gone, except in memory.
Another thing about this particular funeral was that the man had only converted to Mormonism a couple years before his death. Some of his children converted decades ago, his wife converted maybe 10 years ago, and he converted practically on his death bed. One of his children never converted (good for her). I tend to think the man converted to please his Mormon children, worried as they were about his salvation. So even though he spend only two years of his life as a Mormon, Mormonism was definitely the focus of the funeral.
One of the speakers smugly said Mormons aren't scared of death; they know what happens when we die; all those other people are just lost and scared, they have no comfort. This was actually said at the funeral. No only is it grossly mistaken and ignorant, it is downright rude. I looked over at the one non-Mormon child after the service. I believe she is an atheist. I tried to imagine how this funeral had been for her, with her family and their clergy going on and on about the plan of salvation and seeing him again and how he was sanctified in Christ. I resented how smug the Mormon part of the family was about the funeral; of course they were going to have a Mormon funeral, because Mormonism is right and atheist is wrong, right? I hope for her sake that she was able to derive some comfort from the funeral of her father. I hope that she had her own version of saying goodbye that suited her and her version of how life and death work.
I have yet to have any immediate family members die, no friends or relatives very close to me, either before or after my leaving. I don't know how I'll handle it.
9 comments:
I have been to Baptist funerals just like the one you described. The pastor had actually never met the man in the coffin, and seemed to even be searching for a sermon as he went along. He started by commenting on a speeding teenage driver who passed him on his way there. Come on, is this in any way an important point about the man who passed? The preacher turned it into saying that we should all be in a hurry to get to Christ, and that the deceased would surely love to see someone accept the savior that day... and he even paused for a minute to see if anyone would take that opportunity to do so. Why was this funeral so pitiful? Because the children demanded their pastor preach it, even though their father was far better known by the pastor of another church where he had been going until his wife become homebound.
The point I am making is that funerals can be unsatisfying in any religion, not just the Mormon Church. If a person is only a member a brief time, it very often happens that their funeral is less about them and more about whatever the preacher/eulogist/bishop feels like sharing. But if the people there were generally happy when they left, then I suspect the funeral ranked among the better ones I know of. The only funerals I have found solace in are those that have been a celebration for those who remain, as much as a celebration of the life of the deceased. Mourning, in my fairly extensive experience, comes over time. Funerals are too soon after death (unless the death came at the end of a long-term illness) for most people to really begin to mourn. I have lost a brother, a grandfather who I was close to, a grandmother I reviled, a cousin I admired, and several good friends in my time here on the Earth, and each loss has hit me differently.
I'm rambling, but I just wanted to say that a funeral where people leave happy is not necessarily a bad thing. My wife lost an uncle recently, and I know it has been tough on his wife, even though she's LDS, but I know she was glad the funeral was a happy time. That happiness can really carry someone through the early stages of grief and help them cope. That's my two cents (read: ten dollars) on the matter.
My dad - a lifelong Mormon - wants to be cremated, and wants his funeral to be a big party. He wants the song "Shout" played. I, for one, am going to make sure that happens. The kind of funeral you describe is so... I don't know - inappropriate is the word that comes to mind.
"I'm rambling, but I just wanted to say that a funeral where people leave happy is not necessarily a bad thing. ...That happiness can really carry someone through the early stages of grief and help them cope."
Interesting point, anon. I've never actually been to a funeral besides Mormon ones, so I have nothing to compare it too. I can see a Baptist one being similar, though. Not the kind I would want for myself.
Rebecca- Your father's (long time in the) future funeral sounds awesome! Wouldn't be my thing particularly, but I love that he can know himself that well. The man whose funeral I attended was also cremated, as was his request. I could tell my mom was quite disturbed by the idea of cremation. She wants to be ready for the resurrection, I guess. But if Jesus can restore a dead body that turned to dust slowly, can't he restore a body that turned to ash quickly? Come on.
Same anon:
I've been to Baptist, Methodist, and several other non-denominational funerals, never a Mormon funeral. I have tended to avoid them unless they were someone I was close to because I have never felt a reason to attend a service for those left behind when I don't feel anyone left me. I have been to a few dissatisfying ones, though, and most of them are like the Baptist one I described. The preacher is reaching for anything to fill time and says things about being saved or whatever. Sharing the plan of salvation at a Mormon funeral makes more sense to me simply because I agree with it and can see why it would be good to be reminded of it at a funeral, but if a person is well known, I imagine more is said of who they were. A great line I heard from a funeral recently that was held at my branch, one of the eulogists read the date the woman was born and the date she died, and pointed to the dash and said, "It's that dash in the middle that we're here to talk about." I liked that idea. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that the funeral might've been better than you think for those most concerned with it, but almost no funeral satisfies every attendant.
fta, great post here. I am glad you were able to go and I appreciate your description of the emotions you felt. I am sure that someday soon I'll be attending one as my grandma is very old and not in good health.
Thanks for sharing.
I don't know what I think about Mormon funerals. I think plenty of religions have their coping mechanisms that really do help a lot of people. People feel better thinking they will see the deceased again. Since I've lost that belief, I'm really not quite sure how I will handle it when someone I love dies. I've tried thought experiments with that, and haven't had much insight yet.
One of the things I have found interesting in the last year as I have jouneyed into Judaism is that Judaism has a very formal method of mourning. Even in our rush rush world the perscribed method of mourning in Judaism has been proven to assist surviving loved ones in coping with the loss. It seems to me in Christian and Mormon funerals the expectation is to celebrate the life of the deceased and de-emphasize the mourning. This only forces one to mourn in private and there are times when community mourning is needed, and to neglect it is not healthy.
Of course since Christianity and Mormons believe in the resurection and that the deceased is in a "better" place, your point of "I will see my loved one again" is right on the mark. However, I think it delays the grieving and the long run is harmful for the mourner.
anon said, "Sharing the plan of salvation at a Mormon funeral makes more sense to me simply because I agree with it and can see why it would be good to be reminded of it at a funeral." Sure, for people who agree with it, it makes sense. But what about those who don't? It was the smugness with which the Mormons at this funeral touted their beliefs--_beliefs_--as absolute truth. It didn't occur to them to be accommodating to their atheist sister/aunt. Because she's wrong, they think. They don't simply think of her as different; they think of her as _wrong_, and her way of seeking comfort in the face of her father's death as inconsequential.
sml- I'm sorry about your grandma. At least it'll be old age, like this man. I've been to funerals of young people, too. Not fun.
meg- I don't know how I'll react to a death of a close person, either. The coping mechanism of "we'll see him/her again" is just empty to me now, but I'm glad for others' sake that they can derive comfort from that. I derive some comfort in thinking of the human family, or even in me and my loved ones as being a part of a great, whole living system on earth. But I doubt that would help much if, say, one of my children died (goddess forbid!). I suspect, though, that I'll go through the Stages of Grief, just like most people.
az-"It seems to me in Christian and Mormon funerals the expectation is to celebrate the life of the deceased and de-emphasize the mourning. This only forces one to mourn in private and there are times when community mourning is needed, and to neglect it is not healthy." This is a very intriguing insight! I've heard of the Judaic prayers said for days, with others, after a death. It sounded very comforting.
As I've said before, I think Mormonism taught me--and many others--to be immature and naive when it comes to negative emotions. When I have a loved one pass away, I want to feel sad. I don't want to push away the feeling of sadness and loss. I want to feel it and get through it. There's nothing wrong with that; I don't have to put on a happy face at the funeral. I shouldn't. Laugh at the fun parts of the person's life, sure. But cry, too.
Well, again, you have to forgive my ignorance of having never been to a Mormon funeral. I have been to funerals of loved ones outside the church, and I must say that laughing and loving those left behind seemed to predominate the circumstances when it was an expected death. Consoling and attempts at saying profoud things seemed to dominate when it was sudden (as in the death of a child). I think the reason that funerals tend to be happier when someone has died after a prolonged illness is because the grieving has begun long before; it is very hard to watch someone you love wither away. Knowing that their pain has ended is a time for joy. Watching a gleaming light suddenly snuffed out because of something so ridiculous as a car accident or whatever else has taken away someone unexpectedly - that calls for something different. Funerals for young people have not generally, in my experience, been about happiness that they have gone on. If that happened at a Mormon funeral, I might feel inclined to speak to those who had lost their child and help them know that grief is understandable and should be worked through. My mother's way of grieving for my older brother was to, in essence, become an untrained grief counselor for others. She spent years buying books on the subject of death in any bookstore we entered. She compiled an extensive list of books, sorted by subject matter, and she has finally published it. When I was in high school, nearly a decade after my brother died, she encouraged me to be a part of a group of teenagers who had dealt with recent loss to help them. I found the counselor in charge to be very inappropriate to lead it, since she herself had never lost a loved one in her life at all (by her own admission). The idea of a "bald barber" or an "eagle-eyed optometrist" came to mind. I had to stop going to avoid screaming at the counselor to quit trying to guess at what these kids were feeling.
Sorry for such a long-winded response here, but I guess I wanted to clarify my perspective on funerals. The one you attended clearly was one in which the person who died did so at an old age, and therefore the grieving process was well advanced for many of those present. If you have witnessed that at funerals for children, then I can definitely understand your problem with it. I would probably be bothered somewhat by that sort of focus, too. Grief should not be ignored because it can rapidly build to depression when it is allowed to smoulder in the background. Even if you believe you will see the person again, it is not wrong to grieve their loss.
I will conclude here by saying that writing to you about this funeral was probably as much for me as it was for anyone else. Examining how my perspective has changed with age, experience, and faith helps me be prepared to deal with things to come. I know my wife and I grieved over her miscarriage - and I know we sometimes still do - despite the belief that we will someday meet that child. Grief is natural and should not be ignored, regardless of how devoutly one believes in the plan of salvation.
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