Wednesday, March 28, 2007

if the missionaries showed up...

Some local non-believing friends of ours recently had missionaries sent to their house. Our friends were quite polite to them, and they joked that they would send the missionaries to our house just for gags. It got me thinking about how I could handle a pair of elders showing up on our doorstep:

[dream sequence fuzzies and music]

[doorbell rings]
[fta sees out the window it's some missionaries, but they don't see her. She doesn't answer the door, pretending she's not home.]
Little-fta: Mom! The dooo-ooorrr! Aren't you going to get it? Mom, someone dinged the doorbell.
fta: Shh, shh. Come here. Let's play the quiet game!

...

[doorbell rings]
little-fta: Oh, I'll get it! [goes down the hall to the door] Sure, come in. Mom, Dad, some guys for you.
[fta, setting dinner on table, turns and sees who it is. Shocked]
Elder A: Hi, how are you? We are missionaries from the Chu--
fta: I know who you are. But who do you think you are, dropping by during dinner time without even calling first?
Elder B: Oh, um--
fta: Uh-uh, you just turn around and be on your way. Who sent you anyway? Who sent you? Get out of my house. Where were you parents to teach you some manners!?!
[fta shoves them out the door]

...

[doorbell rings]
little-fta: Oh, I'll get it! [goes down the hall to the door] Sure, come in. Mom, Dad, some guys for you.
[fta, setting dinner on table, turns and sees who it is. Shocked]
Elder A: Hi, how are you? We are missionaries from the Church of--
fta: Yeah, I know. We're just about to eat, I'm sure you guys are hungry. Little-fta, run and get two more plates. Sit down, I made lasagna.
[we all talk during dinner, specifically avoiding religion by bringing up the NCAA tournament and keeping that the topic.]

...

[doorbell rings]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hello, we're missionaries from the Mormon church. Are you fta?
fta: [confused] No. Oh, you know what? The doorbells get crossed sometimes. Fta lives upstairs from us. She's not home now, though.
[fta closes door]

...

[doorbell rings]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hello, we're missionaries from the Mormon church. Are you fta?
fta: Yes, come on in.
Elder A: Well, we're just checking in to see how things are going.
fta: Oh! We're doing great!
Elder B: We're noticed your names on the church roles, but we'd never met you...
fta: Probably because we don't ever come to church anymore.
Elder A: Is there something we could help you with that would bring you back? We'd love to see you there.
fta: Oh, well, you know, it's just not working for us. We're really not happy there.
Elder B: But the Gospel brings such great happiness.
fta: No, not really. Listen, I've got a book group tonight, so I've got to run...Thanks for stopping by.
[shows them out]

...

[doorbell rings]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hello, we're missionaries from the Mormon church. Are you fta?
fta: Yes, come on in.
Elder A: Well, we're just checking in to see how things are going.
fta: Oh! We're doing great!
Elder B: We're noticed your names on the church roles, but we'd never met you...
fta: Probably because we don't ever come to church anymore.
Elder A: Is there something we could help you with that would bring you back? We'd love to see you there.
fta: You've never met us before, so how could you "love to see us there"? Listen, Joseph Smith was a fraud. The church is a corporate institution, worried more about power and money than the members. We're just not happy there.
Elder B: [shocked] Really, fta, you must have been reading some anti-Mormon literat--
fta: No, I haven't, actually. I've just read Mormon literature. And that was enough. I'm done. Thanks for stopping by, but don't do it again.
[shows them the door]

...

[doorbell rings]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hello, we're missionaries from the Mormon church. Are you fta?
fta: Yes, come on in.
[brings them to living room]
fta: As you can see, we're just sitting down with some friends to watch the NCAA championship. Everybody, these are the Mormon missionaries. This is Rachel, Jack, Mr. fta, and Sam.
Everyone: Hi.
Mr. fta: Come on, sit down, the game is great.
[missionaries sit, uncomfortable]
fta: [to missionaries] Can I get you guys some beer?

...

[doorbell rings]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hello, we're missionaries from the Mormon church. Are you fta?
fta: Yes, what can I do for you?
Elder B: Well, we were wondering if we could step in for a minute for a chat?
fta:
Oh, well, Mr. fta is at the bar down the street, watching the game. And I was just going to hop in the hot tub. Could we could talk there?
[one gets gleam in his eye but tries to repress it, the other is paralyzed with fear]
[fta laughs devilishly, shuts door in their faces]

...

[ding-dong]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hello, we're missionaries from the Mormon church. Are you fta?

fta: Yes, what can I do for you?
Elder B: Well, we were wondering if we could step in for a minute for a chat?

fta: Listen, I know you're just doing your jobs as missionaries, and you think you have my best interest at heart. But I'd really rather not like to talk to strangers about my spirituality. How about you come on in and have some lemonade. I'll make you sandwiches, looks like your parents back home would think you're too skinny. What do you say?
[they come in, fta brings lemonade]

...

[ding-dong]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hello, we're missionaries from the Mormon church. Are you fta?

fta: Yes, what can I do for you?
Elder B: Well, we were wondering if we could step in for a minute for a chat?

fta: Listen, I know you're just doing your jobs as missionaries, and you think you have my best interest at heart. But I'd really rather not like to talk to strangers about my spirituality. How about you come on in and have some lemonade. I'll make you sandwiches, looks like your parents back home would think you're too skinny. What do you say?
[they come in, fta brings spiked lemonade]


...

[ding-dong]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hello, we're missionaries from the Mormon church. Are you fta?

fta: Yes. Oh! I'm glad you came. Do you think you could deliver an envelope to the bishop for me?
Elder B: Um, sure.
fta: [goes inside, returns with tithing envelope--with resignation letter inside] Here you go. You guys are the best.
Elder A: [pleased to see the tithing envelope] Oh, yeah, sure, no problem.

fta: Thanks! Bye!
[fta closes door, and does a little jig in celebration]

...

[doorbell]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hi, I'm Elder Roberts.
Elder B: And I'm Elder Lightner. We're missionaries from the--

fta: Roberts and Lightner, huh? Are you related to BH Roberts?
Elder A: Yep, he's my great-great uncle or something.
fta: Did you know he called the Book of Mormon a wondertale of an immature mind?
Elder A: [stammers]
fta: And Lightner? Did you know that a certain Adam Lightner shared his wife with Joseph Smith and then Brigham Young? Yeah, his wife, Mary Elizabeth Rollins Lightner Smith Young, was married to two guys at once.
Elder B: Joseph Smith didn't practice polygamy. I tell you that for sure. I know it.
fta: You know it? How about checking the church's genealogy site. How about you do that, then we'll talk.
[closes door]


...

[doorbell rings]
[fta answers]
Elder A: Hello, we're missionaries from the Mormon church. Are you fta? Can we come in?

fta: Oh, you know what? Mr.fta isn't home. I know you have rules about that. Try back some other time.
[fta closes door promptly and returns to living room]

Mr.fta: [emerges from bedroom] Who was at the door?

12 comments:

wry catcher said...

LOL. I take option one, minus the little voice yelling that the doorbell is ringing. D'oh! :-D

from the ashes said...

Glad you liked it. That would be the easiest option, provided you can manage to see them before they see you!

Meg said...

Some mishies stopped by our place a while ago. They acted like they were entitled to be allowed it- they started trying to walk in without being invited. DH stood his ground in the doorway and didn't let them pass. He simply told them it was a bad time. They haven't been back.

ps- I liked the spiked lemonade option.

from the ashes said...

"...they started trying to walk in without being invited." How rude!

I had fun with the spiked lemonade thought. If those hypothetical missionaries would be like I was, they wouldn't even know what was going on. "This lemonade tastes strange!" But they wouldn't be able to say that out loud, because that'd be rude. Then again, theys already stopped by and shoved their way in without an invitation.

Abner Doon said...

Those scenarios were hilarious! I liked the hot tub one the best. Being not too distant from the mission field myself, I really feel those poor guys' pain.

Lemon Blossom said...

I have written, "I think my favorite one" so many times that I think I'll just have to say I don't have a favorite one. These were so funny. Reminded me of the times I have run into the missionaries over the last few months. Normally I would cheerfully say hi and talk with them, but now I ignore them or just stick with "thanks" when they open the door during Halloween. I'm glad to say they haven't stopped by our house. Phew!

from the ashes said...

Glad you liked them!

I just can't bring myself to be mean to them. They're probably having a tough time as it is.

NFlanders said...

I have the same dilemma about how to deal with the missionaries. On the one hand, I was so miserable on my mission and so many people gave me free food and hospitality. They really kept me sane during those two years.

On the other hand, like all teenage boys, they're only after one thing.

They actually came by a couple months ago. I thought they were looking for me, but they were just knocking random doors at 8pm on a winter night. It was an inconvenient time, so I told them I wasn't interested in their message. I still think I should have invited them in so they could see that exmos are nice people.

from the ashes said...

Yeah, we could always give them a break and let them hang out. Then they could put down that time as "working with inactives" and they wouldn't even feel guilty for not tracting those hours.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Great scenarios! I was actually sad to see them end as I was reading! Funny stuff, fta!!

Kullervo said...

What I can't stand is the insincerity. "Oh we just wanted to visit all the people in our area that we haven't met before."

"Look, Elder, I know you're only here because we haven;t been to Church in six months. Don;t play games with me."

Lots of earnest protestations of innocence, blah blah. I was a missionary; I know how it goes. The Elders aren;t my friends, and they aren;t even going to be around for more than a few months. i've got not time for them. Home Teachers, sure. I know them, they know me. They're real people you can get to know, and they don't have as much of an agenda as the Elders. usually. If they do, they can;t come over either.

from the ashes said...

Amen. I wish someone in the old ward or the missionaries, if they came, would just come out and say something to me. "Why aren't you coming anymore?" "What happened to your testimony?" "Do you think you'll come back?" Just say it. Just ask me. I'm not going to flip out, I promise.