Mormon dreams
I had a Mormon dream a couple weeks ago. I was back in Utah, and decided to go to Sunday school in my old ward. They had kept attendance, so I looked at mine for the past several months, and I had come 1 or 2 times each month. That amused me, though I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I wish now that I had been a little less fanatic about church attendance during my believing days. I saw several old neighborhood kids, seeing that one was a doctor now, and chatted genially with old acquaintances. I was careful not to reveal my true thoughts and feelings about the church. I was in a good mood, and was thinking in the back of my dream-mind, "They have no idea that I'm an apostate."
Suddenly, to my confusion and mild horror, I realized I was a graduate student at BYU. And I had to finish not only this semester, but also another year before graduation. It occurred to me that I would have to pass ecclesiastical endorsements, and to do so, I would have to attend church regularly, lie about my beliefs, and stay in the non-believer's closet for that whole time.
How could I possibly do that? How could I have possibly enrolled at BYU? My husband advised me to transfer somewhere else, but for some reason I felt I couldn't. I was stuck, and trying to figure out how to handle it, when the dream ended.
Another dream, this one from the other night:
I've been afraid someone in my family would stumble across my blog, which is why I keep things so anonymous. Those of you who know me in person will know how much I don't talk about here. The other night, I had a dream that someone commented on my blog, and I followed the link to his blog, as I often do when I get commenters I don't recognize. In turned out the blog belonged to my non-believing brother-in-law, and I discovered through reading his blog that his wife, my sister, has also become a non-believer.
I was overjoyed, and immediately identified myself to them. We decided to get together, the two couples, to hang out on a weekend night and chat about our new lives. In the course of the conversation, it came up that we've all started drinking alcohol, so we chatted happily about micro-brews we like (yeah, I'm a beer snob).
It felt so wonderful in my dream to have my sister "out" with me. The greatest pain I feel in having stopped believing is strained relations with my family, and the non-understanding between us that has come as a result. So to have my sister with me on the outside was an amazing feeling.
Hey, I can dream, can't I?
4 comments:
Great dream (the second one) and great portrayal of a serious nightmare (the first)...
Wow, your first dream sounds a bit like one I had a few nights ago. I was back on my mission and my comp had come out as a lesbian and non-believer, but for some reason the mission pres. had kept her out in the field until he decided whether to send her home or not (um, shouldn't that be her decision?!). Anyway, I was also on the path to hell because I didn't believe everything either, but I was afraid to come out because I saw how everyone (the mission pres. included) treated her (horribly mean) and then I realized that the mission pres. had kept her there on purpose because he wanted to teach her a lesson. *shudder*
The second dream sounds much better and I hope to have one of those soon, instead of my normal anxiety-driven dreams. :)
Sadly, your first dream was my reality for several years. I read my journals from back then, there I was, counting down the days to graduation, bemoaning my youth passing me by, planning ahead for my fabulous post-mo life. I'm so glad that's behind me!
How sweet was your second dream, though?? You never know what will happen in the future -- stranger things have happened!
My mormon dreams started when I was 20 or so, around the time I found out what happened in the temple. I hadn't believed in years, but I still had no clue what went on in there. I realized that if my mom had had her way, she would have sent me right into it without any warning, knowing full well how weird and misogynistic I would find it. That really disturbed me. I started having a recurring dream that involved being forced to marry some stranger in the temple,and my family being totally complicit in it. Weird, huh?
SML- I'm glad I had a good one to counteract the scary one.
lemon- I think mission dreams are very common, especially being back on one, knowing what we know now. What a messed up MP.
roly- My parents didn't give me ANY indication of what would go on. I had heard about the green apron and the new name. That's it. I was FREAKED OUT when I stepped out of the locker room compartment with nothing but the shield on, wondering what the hell I was going to have to do. And would I have to do it naked?
My mom read the look on my face and said, "You don't have to be naked. Just so you know. Didn't Dad tell you?" NO! He had not (he was my bishop when I got my recommend).
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