Thursday, March 22, 2007

family relations since then

Mostly, my siblings, parents, and I keep silent about my disaffection.

That first in-person visit, I tried to bring up some things with my dad. I saw he was reading Rough Stone Rolling, so I mentioned I had read Bushman's earlier book about Joseph Smith. I named a couple things about the book I liked, and a couple things I didn't. Bushman brings up, for example, Joseph Smith, Sr's dreams, without discussing the obvious fact that they closely resemble Lehi's dreams from the Book of Mormon. How could he just pretend like there's nothing there? He's got to say something about, like "This confirmed to some that both Senior's and Lehi's dreams came from God, solidifying their testimonies of the book" or "Critics say that Senior's dreams were borrowed, reworked, and put into 1st Nephi as Lehi's dreams." Apparently that was too much for my dad, because he just sat there, with a look of cognitive dissonance on his face. I guess I'd driven the Spirit from the room. I haven't tried to bring up anything with him again.

My mom tries to give me my space without judging me (at least out loud). If she calls on a Sunday, she'll ask, "So what're you doing today? Just hanging out?" And I'll tell her honestly, "Catching up on a little work, maybe take my son to the museum." Last time she called, I had planned on going to the UU service, but couldn't bring myself to tell her so. I don't know why. The conversation lasted too long and made me miss it anyway.

One of my siblings asked me to never bring up religion in her presence ever again. She has her reasons, and they are not that she's just a dogmatic bitch who wouldn't touch doubt with a ten-foot pole. But I still hate that she won't talk to me about it. I mean, jeez, we acknowledged the 800-pound gorilla ("Man, it's ugly, isn't it?"), and then she says, "I'll feel better if we just pretend it isn't there anymore"?

The other day, I was looking back at my timetable of emotional ups and downs, wondering, as the therapist asked me, "Why now? If it's been so long, why is it so upsetting now?" Why did I start my blog when I did? Why did this emotional upheaval start then, early last fall? And I realized: that's when my relationship with this sister went really, really foul because of the church. I'm not sure how much detail I want to get into right now. Short story: her husband became a non-believer after we became non-believers. Guess who everyone blamed?

I've already mentioned one sister who actually engages in real conversation with about my beliefs. This is great, but sometimes emotionally tough. Sometimes we go months without emailing about it. In her last email, she said she found it curious that I never ask her about her beliefs. To paraphrase: "What, you think I'm just a mindless robot who doesn't think about my faith? You think I'm just like every other Mormon? Sometimes I think you non-believers are so close-minded about us."

I haven't written her back yet, because, well, she's right. I do lump TBMs into one big category of blind followers. Because I can see that that's what I was. But I would have really resented someone calling me such names, too. I thought, I contended, I pondered, I didn't just accept everything the leaders said. Or so I thought. But I still accepted the leaders' authority, the Book of Mormon, the priesthood keys, the Atonement as literal. And so does she. So even though she feels like she's different than a lot of TBMs because she has non-believing friends and debates certain aspects of the teachings, she is, ultimately, a TBM. But at least she'll talk to me, and I appreciate that.

The rest never bring it up, and I've never brought it up with them. I suppose they might be willing, but we just continue to tip toe around each other, and talk about other things. There's plenty to talk about; they are my siblings after all.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just wondering, FTA, if the sister who doesn't want religion brought up at all might be experiencing some dissonance herself. One way to deal with difficult material is to avoid it. Just a thought.

BTW, I enjoy your blog. I read nearly everything, though I seldom post. Keep writing. :)

Unknown said...

Wow, it's such an interesting complaint, that you don't ask your sister about her beliefs. I'm the same as you--I don't ask any TBM's about their beliefs either.

You're right about all the reasons you give about why it's just different now that you're not a TBM. For me, there's something deeper than the intellectual reasons, though. It feels like there's a fundamental difference between me and TBM's, the result of a change that was (and is) painful to undergo.

I don't mean to disparage any TBMs. The thing is (and you mention something along these lines), I wouldn't have wanted to talk to myself of a few years ago. I had the mindset of subjecting truth to the Church instead of the Church to the Truth. There's just not much to talk about between people on different sides of that.

Great post.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm having a vicarious anger response to this post. Not just to your parents and their attitudes, but also to your sister and her unilateral declaration to never mention religion in her presence again. WTF?? I apologise in advance for this, but I want to say GROW UP!

Hmph.

I've become a renowned, world-class expert at not talking about religion - it runs in my family. And I find I do this with mormons across the spectrum. I don't see them as all "TBMs" - not by a long shot. They bicker amongst themselves about this 'n that, so I know they're not monolithic. But what has surprised me is that the pretty liberal ones and total jackmos can be just as/more defensive than a stereotypical "TBM." So, again, my religion-is-a-thing-that-doesn't-exist approach to conversation is my default position, all the time. Except in OB and DAMU locales.

from the ashes said...

anon- Yes, I think my sister is experiencing some cog dis herself. From what I can tell (again, she won't talk to me about it), she approached the edge of the abyss and turned back into TBM comfort. So, you know, I'm on the wrong side, so how could I offer any help? Also, she's dealing with a non-believing husband and what that means for their eternal salvation. That's tough. Like I said, I don't blame her. But it's still frustrating.

jack- I know what you mean about that fundamental difference. Even if they think they understand us, they don't. It's a walk in mile in her shoes thing. They don't understand what it's like to have a non-believing brain. I think differently. And I could tell people, I think differently, and they accept that. But they hear, "I don't have the light of Christ guiding me now." ARGH.

wry- I'm afraid I'm going to have to be a religion non-talker, too. That's more or less what I've adopted with everyone but the one sister. Once I was having a religion conversation with her, and my mom walked in on it. I decided to just keep talking. That didn't go very well. I'll shoot you a pm over at FLAK.

dmcall said...

Give yourself some credit for your BIL's exodus--if it hadn't been for your courage, he'd probably be living in his own personal hell right now. A good pioneer story for your children, if you ask me!

I try to avoid using the acronym "TBM" whenever possible, because it does immediately stereotype active Mormons. My life experience suggests that MOST Mormons have areas of disbelief or trouble, particularly around polygamy or racial issues. There are, I believe, an increasing number of members with non-literalist approaches to the BoM as well. (They just keep it deep inside, thinking they're alone.) The only thing you probably have to have is a supernatural epistemology, which isn't that uncommon anywhere in the world.

from the ashes said...

ujlapana- Good points! Thanks. The labels are never perfect, are they?

Just the other day, I called a couple people "exmos," when I really should have said members of the DAMU, and they corrected me. To me, exmo is just as much "in my heart" as on paper.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sad that religion can be so divisive for families. I know that when I 'come out' to my family, there will be a lot of tears and heartache. I really don't want to be the cause of that.

I'm so sorry about your sister. I wonder if time will heal some wounds there. She will probably have to go through a greiving process regarding her husband. . . but when that passes, one can hope your relationship can heal. Best wishes.

Hellmut said...

One thing is for certain, TBMs don't talk much about religion to each other either.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I STILL can't entice my dad to discuss my leaving the church with me. I've e-mailed him three times with "How are things going? Hope all is well. We miss you. Would you care to discuss my issues with the church? If so, let me know."

Nada.

Sigh.

from the ashes said...

meg- Again, good luck with your coming out process. The pain is inevitable, I'm afraid. I do know someone who just sort of let her family figure it out over the course of several years. Option for you?

hellmut- Good point!

SML- I have never offered to tell my family the detailed reasons for my non-belief, such as why I think the BoM is 19th century material. Even with the sister I do talk to, I stick to process and general beliefs about God, morals, etc.

With your dad, the ball is in his court. It will probably take quite a while for him to want to talk, if at all. It took my mom and me a year, and the conversation was precipitated by a conflict with my sister/exmo-BIL. Otherwise it wouldn't have come up. It's sad.

Anonymous said...

Mormonism really does mess up the family, doesn't it?

from the ashes said...

Matt- Indeed. Family..._isn't_ about time?