exiting emotions: guilt
While I moved from believer to non-believer, and in the aftermath of that transition, I felt guilt. Lots of it. I felt guilty that I wasn't giving the church a good chance. That I hadn't been praying as much, and reading the scriptures as much. I felt guilty that I thought of Joseph Smith as a fallen prophet, and then, not a prophet at all.
I felt guilty when I took off my garments and changed into colorful underwear. So guilty, in fact, that I lasted less than 24 hours before putting the garments back on. Then I felt guilty for being so brainwashed as to put them back on. So I took them off again, and felt guilty some more. I felt terribly guilty when, on the third day of wearing colorful underwear, I talked to my mom about my changing beliefs. That got me feeling so guilty I put my garments on again. And then I felt guilty again for letting my grown-up self be pressured into changing my underwear by a phone conversation with my mom, who was thousands of miles away.
I also felt guilty when I
tried coffee
tried alcohol
saw my Mormon friends from the ward
asked to quit my calling
skipped church to go on an AIDS walk
watched rated-R movies
swore
renewed my temple recommend, and stopped believing entirely two weeks later
avoided phone calls from family
talked to family
But I've gotten over most of that. Most of the time I can barely remember the stuff Mormonism told me to feel guilty about. I don't think in terms of "sin" and "righteousness" and "repentance" anymore. Thank goodness. But sometimes, I remember things Mormonism tells me to feel guilty about, and I feel a bit like a double-person. Or sometimes I find myself judging myself according to how Mormonism (and my Mormon relatives) would judge me: a sinning, unworthy, lost apostate.
Then I have to remind myself what I did: I stood up for what I believed, against great odds. I figured out a mass deception, and was brave enough to admit the emperor has no clothes. I veered from the easy path set out for me, the one walked for generations, and am blazing my own trail. I am still a good person, one who makes decisions based on rationality, reason, and experience, rather than authority. I have chosen a better life for myself and my child.
And I am a better person for it.
1 comment:
Disentangling your emotions from the "Mormon lifestyle" can be tough sometimes. The first time I went to Target to pick up some non-regulation underwear, I stood in front of the Wall of Underwear for 15 minutes, wracked with fear that I was doing something profoundly wrong.
For me, the biggest post-Mormon emotional difficulty was that, as a TBM, I could put myself through certain emotional "rituals" to make myself feel "the Spirit" and catch a positive vibe. After I realized what a sham it all was, I had no systematic way of digging myself out of negative moments. All those years the church had manipulated me into believing my positive emotions were from the Spirit had really fucked me over. I still struggle with how to extricate myself from down moments. Prayer, scripture study, repentance rituals, etc. just don't cut it anymore.
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