the reaction

Since my memory doesn't serve me that well, I pulled up what I wrote after the conversation with my mom in which I was pulled out of the non-believer's closet (with some minor edits).

For certain reasons (distraction, emotional turmoil) I preferred to stay in the closet with regards to my parents and siblings for now. (Already out to in-laws.) I just can't take the turmoil right now. But, due to circumstances partly beyond my control, my family found I have occasionally read and enjoyed websites that don't hold the church and God, etc in the most sacred light (eg Sugar Beet). Thank goodness they don't know about the Foyer or RfM!

So, on a fine Sunday while my husband and our son go off for some forbidden recreational activity (aren't we supposed to be at church?), my mom calls. She and the whole rest of the family are extremely offended by certain cartoons/articles and wonder, "Why oh why did fta visit these sites? Was she trying to offend us? Was she trying to spit in our faces? Is she mocking all we hold sacred?"

So mom asks all these questions (I certainly never expected that reaction, and of course never sought to offend my family, though we did desire to clue them in). Long story short, she asks if I'm still going to church. I answered honestly, we've been going, but not to the Mormon one.

So she knows I am looking for guidance, struggling to find truth and goodness, and she's fine with that (which I greatly appreciated). But she is sure I'm looking in all the wrong places (anywhere but the church). She did bear her testimony but she did refrain from serious preaching, (which I appreciated). Her reaction was altogether better than I anticipated, at least while she was on the phone. She did hang up rather abruptly (before I could tell her I'm still a good, moral person), and I imagine she's bawling right now.

I cried some on the phone (because she was supportive, but she will it interpret as "the guilty taketh the truth to be hard"), but I was more proactive during this phone call than during the last one. I didn't say everything I could have said; I wasn't prepared. And she's not prepared to hear it all right now. But I'm a little out of the closet. And I suppose that will feel better than being in the closet did, but it doesn't today. Does it get better?

And do I make a plan and lay some things down to them (hard) so I am doing more than just reacting to everything they do and think (easy)? They all live in Utah and have for most or all of their lives. They don't think outside of Utah. They don't know that there are normal, good, moral, nice people who aren't Mormon. They don't know that they can go to the park on a Saturday morning and meet other parents with their little children whom they love dearly, who go to church (or are comfortable not going), who try their best to make the world a better place, who love each other, and who ARE HAPPY. They honestly, truly DO NOT KNOW THAT.

I am one of those people, and they don't know me. And I despair.