if I were free of all fear
Sister Mary Lisa invited anyone who would like to to write about the topic, If I were free of all fear. She intended for us to send her our essays and she could post them on her blog. I loved, loved her essay, so I decided to participate. But I also decided to post it on my own blog.
If I were free of all fear, I would...
get a tattoo, a big one, on my back. One that would be seen when I swim and wear strappy dresses and tank tops, because I can. One that would show my transition, my power, my self, without fear.
sky dive, to feel the thrill, to feel alive as my body is forced to tune in to every sensation.
just say it. Whatever it is.
announce my blog to my family, and say, guess what. This is me. Take it or leave it, but I’m just so sick of hiding.
tell everyone exactly why I hate the fuckin' church.
write. A book. A memoir. A children’s story. A novel.
dance when I felt like dancing. Dammit.
write what I’m really thinking, now.
13 comments:
i loved this.
i'm sick of hiding, too.
LOVE this post, FTA. You and Mr. and Little FTA are incredible people and I am so glad I had the chance to meet you.
I'd buy whatever you wrote and published, but please don't ask me to sky dive, because I'm afraid of heights and I think it's an insane "sport".
I love your honesty, and daring to post this on your own blog like the illustrious friends who have commented before me here (hi guys!!)..You have touched me with your words. I hope you find that fearlessness that frees you.
:) Linking you to my blog now...
chandelle- Thanks! How is your new [lds content] system coming on your blog? Have people commented about your "spiritual biography"? I love that term, by the way!
sideon- And I would read anything YOU published. I can't imagine sky diving either--because I _am_ afraid and don't even like roller coasters. But the idea of that level of thrill is appealing.
SML- Thanks so much for bringing this to the blogs! Great idea (you know who you are).
chandelle- Thanks! How is your new [lds content] system coming on your blog? Have people commented about your "spiritual biography"? I love that term, by the way!
sideon- And I would read anything YOU published. I can't imagine sky diving either--because I _am_ afraid and don't even like roller coasters. But the idea of that level of thrill is appealing.
SML- Thanks so much for bringing this to the blogs! Great idea (you know who you are).
the system seems to be working. i feel more comfortable knowing that people who don't want to read that stuff have warning and thus have nobody to blame but themselves if they get offended. :) i've received a few comments but lots of emails from people, all of them very pleasant. it's been very humbling for me to hear that relating my experiences is helping people. i was so alone when i went through that - if i can offer even the tiniest bit of comfort to someone else, it's worth it. i'm sure you feel the same way. it's been ten months since we left, but reading your blog has been tremendously helpful to me.
I find it interesting that we would both post what we were thinking, and neither of us did. I can't on my blog because family can find it, and I'm not ready to go there yet. *Sigh* My own fault for linking my blog to where I knew family was.
Great post, FtA.
chandelle- It's been therapeutic for me to connect with other people through blogging about my experience. I'm happy for you that you've found a way to have family and friends read while you write about your spiritual journey. I hope to be able to do that soon.
Jennifer- Yeah. Yeah. I've played with the idea of letting certain people know about my blog, but then I realize I would censor myself. And I will not censor myself here; this is my safe space. Even with the thought that maybe someday someone will find it, I can't let that possibility censor me.
Excellent post and I hope you find the freedom that you are seeking, but honey you have to take it and grasp it with both hands.
You will get there
Hey, FTA! Great post. I am really curious about the last line... "write what I’m really thinking, now."
in a post about living without fear, I am wondering what it is you could possibly not be allowing out in the moment... :)
With love,
Angie
cele- Thanks. And thank you for the reminder that it is within my power to get it. We all need a little kick in the ass sometimes.
phoenix touch- Fear still holds me back...I wrote the list several days before I posted it. And honestly, I can't remember exactly what I was thinking when I wrote that line. But in general, there are things that are still too scary to even write.
Having died (no vital signs) 4 times in this life and having my family brutally murdered in front of me, with me killing one of the murderers, I have little left to fear.
My one great fear is of being disabled. I have a touch of that from this latest stroke, where half my body still doesn't work too well (I'm typing this with one hand at about 30wpm), but I am terrified of being trapped in this body unable to communicate or do anything. My best friend's father was in that state for several months. His only communication was by the look in his eyes; he didn't even have the muscular control to blink 'yes' and 'no.' But he could cry. There are many definitions of hell; surely this must be one of them.
If I had no fear, I'd throw away all the stupid pills I take every day and just let nature take its course.
Perhaps I should do a cut-and-paste of this to Sister Mary Lisa's blog?
Get the tattoo, FTA! Jennifer did and we both love it.
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