Wednesday, December 12, 2007

emotion

I’ve got this emotion, this mood. I can’t quite identify it. I think I can’t identify it because I am emotionally unlearned, because of my Mormon upbringing where there were two emotions: of God and of Satan. Or maybe I’m just blaming that, and really, a lot of people are emotionally unaware and incapable, just like me.

Whatever the reason, I can’t decide what emotion it is and what to do about it. I tried counting. But by the time I get to seven or so, it boils up again, fierce in my chest. It makes my words bite at my son, and it makes me hide my eyes from my husband.

It’s not quite sadness, not quite anger, not quite discontent, not quite loneliness, not quite anything. But it is there. And it makes me want to scream. It’s one of those moods where I’d want to watch something depressing or hard or raw or violent or ruthless, like a realist war movie, or a tragedy, or a German movie, those ones that always end with everyone dying. You have to be in the mood to watch something like that, and this is that mood.

It makes me want to push the envelope. To leave my comfort zone and try something new, something reckless and scary and dangerous. Something that would have people saying, That doesn't seem like something she'd do.

Some people pick up a guitar and write sad songs in moods like this. Some sleep, or listen to music, or drive fast. Yeah, I want to drive fast. Too fast. That’s the mood I’m in. Make it feel like I’m driving away from it. Whatever it is. Some have a couple beers, or a cigarette or a joint. And I think, maybe I should do that. But no, I shouldn’t, that would only numb it, not confront it. Then I think of how many times I’ve ignored this emotion, or numbed it with prayer or scripture reading, and I figure those aren’t any better than chemical-induced numbing, are they, really? Anyway, I write. It’s the mood that pushes me to write. Which isn’t ignoring it; it’s confronting it, and that’s the best way to explore and tackle these things, I’ve found.

But what is it? What is it? I can’t tell.

I know what it’s not. It’s not what I grew up thinking it was. It’s not the absence of the Spirit. As a Mormon, I thought this mood, this feeling, any feeling like it, was the loss of the Spirit. And that meant I did something to make the Spirit go away. I did something bad. Something bad like swear, or have a mean thought about someone at school, or want something I shouldn’t have, or hit my brother. That’s what this was. It was my fault. My inability to be perfect--now. My fault. My own, ugly fault.

And to get rid of it, to get the Spirit back, I had to repent. To pray, to read scriptures more and more often, to ask forgiveness for being human. To obey, to sacrifice, to control my emotions, to put on a happy face, to pretend like everything is perfectly normal. Run away from the emotions, because they weren’t emotions, they were Satan trying to tempt me, to ruin me, to bring me to a miserable hell along with him.

From that, it’s taken some time to adjust to thinking of emotions as just emotions, as part of our humanness, our evolutionary biology. This down mood, this emotion I can’t name, it isn’t evil, though it is unpleasant. I wouldn’t want to stay here forever, but I don’t have to run away from it, to push it away as quick as possible, to ignore it or root it out. Instead, I explore it. I let it act as my muse, and look what it has gotten me.

A whole damn blog post.

11 comments:

MattMan said...

No ulterior motive in this question, so please don't bite my head off. :) Does this mood follow your menstrual cycle in any way?

I agree with you that it isn't something inherently good or bad, it just is, and I think you're right to pursue being aware of it and exploring it to try to identify a source, if possible, and/or find constructive ways to embrace it.

With weird moods, I generally suggest a reading of the book "The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross. Specifically there's a questionnaire that can help narrow things down a bit, and can be seen on the mood cure website.

MattMan said...

Oh, I forgot to get around to the intent of my first question in my previous comment. If it does coincide in some way with menstrual cycle, then that suggests hormonal triggers, and then my recommendation for "The Mood Cure" gets even stronger because there are some natural amino acid supplements you can try to balance things out a bit. And if not, it's still not a bad idea to try if the mood is so unpleasant (and too regular).

Unknown said...

I get that and then it turns into the whole "why am I here, what is this all for? why bother?" cycle.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

So...go shopping once and look around you. So many people with that same look in their eyes of trying not to let people see in to know that they are feeling the same as you.

It will pass. Meantime, I hope you are able to ride out the wave of it without getting behind the wheel of any car. ;) Hugs to you, FTA.

Unknown said...

oh man, this post was timely. i have felt the exact same way for the better part of two weeks and i just can't stand that mormon chatter in the back of my mind telling me that i'm finally coming around the feeling "the absence of the spirit." ick.

Mai said...

Let's see...Alienation, Bewilderment, Confusion, Doldrums,..that's far enough, eh? I have problems with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and it seems worse this year than usual.

Have you read the story about the time Sandeep decided he wanted to cut his hair?

You might find this link amusing. Be sure to check out the link in the link. It's written by an atheist woman and I think you'll like it. Also the comments are worth a gander.

http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/70372/

Unknown said...

mattman- You're lucky you prefaced that question, or I might've bitten your head off. :) Actually, no, I've never been a big PMSer, and hormones have never affected me much, artificial and natural. I will pay attention, though, and see if it may be that and I'm just not noticing. I'll check out that book, too. Thanks.

Luckily, the mood passed--just lasted that one day--and it doesn't come often. Maybe I'll track it. If it had come after a specific event, like a fight with DH, that would be easy to track. But this was out of the blue.

becca- I get that too. Like I get up in the morning, but just lay there. What's the point of getting up again?

SML- Isn't that sad, though, that so many people live in that funk? I did drive yesterday, but not recklessly, and only to SIL's house, where I wound down and had a beer and talked to another human being. That helped.

chandelle- Whoa, honey, two weeks? A day here and there, okay. But if it lasts much longer, please consider taking a depression screening. And I, like you, am so glad I can see through the "absence of the spirit" crap.

mai- Doldrums, hmm. That might work. I'll check out your links...thanks.

Anonymous said...

Hear ya, sister. Write more posts like this one, they're good for you...and me.

from the ashes said...

Thanks, wry. I find these posts therapeutic--the whole reason I started my blog in the first place. Not to bitch about Mormon relatives, but to heal.

Angie K. Millgate said...

I had meant to comment when I was here on Sunday... I found you through.... ummmmm.... goodness! I have no idea because I have been a-clicking and a-clicking on everyone's blog rolls. Weehooo! This IS fun.

At any rate... Thank you so much for this beautiful, heartrending and honest post. I related more than I want to admit. I appreciate your directness.

With love,
Angie

from the ashes said...

phoenix touch- Welcome! I'm glad you found me. Stumbling around people's blogs is a lot of fun.

Thanks for the compliments on my post, though it is a little strange to me to be thanked for being negative. But I think it's important to share even negative emotions; we all relate to sadness and much as happiness. Mourn with those that mourn, eh?