the Boundaries Talk

Disclaimer: No one's memory is perfect. Mine certainly isn't. But I wanted to present this in dialogue form. Understand that it is paraphrased, but I think I got the gist of it, along with the tone.

After three days of avoiding the house where, currently, both my parents and my brother and sister-in-law live, I knew I had to muster up the courage to finally talk to my SIL and my mom about the Boundaries of what is and is not allowed around my son. I won't be in Utah that much longer, and I didn't want to spend the rest of the trip hiding in my host's house, keeping my son away from his cousins for fear of him being Mormon-ized again. So I strapped my son into the car and drove out there.

When I walked in, already nervous and dreading what was coming, I overheard my mom and sister, who was visiting, talking about Jesus. I sent my son in a direction away from their conversation. My heart sank. Here I am, ready to tell them that I cannot tolerate my son watching movies about Jesus, and they're going off about him being the One True Shepherd, the Light, the Life, and the Truth. Instead of walk into their conversation and say hello, I turned the other direction, and loudly stomped across the room toward my son, letting them know someone was in the house. Their conversation stopped, and they greeted me warmly. I put off the Boundaries Talk.

Later, my sister-in-law and I found ourselves alone (miraculously, given that there were six kids and five adults in the house right then), and I knew I had to talk to her about the movie she showed my son. It was time for The Boundaries talk I so far had avoided. I couldn't leave the house without talking to her. I just couldn't be my usual non-confrontational self and let it slide. As I examined my feet, trying to get up the guts, I was surprised to hear her start the conversation:

Sister-in-law: apologetically FTA? Did that make you uncomfortable when my son asked you about going to church? Would you rather not talk about that stuff?
FTA: Oh, no, it was fine. Actually, I don't mind talking about it at all. It's just that I hadn't prepared myself to answer a 7-year-old.
SIL: Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
FTA: It just surprised me.
SIL: Uh-huh. I think, just because it was Sunday, he was thinking about it...
FTA: Sure.

Pause. She didn't mention the movie. Damn. Now I have to.

FTA: mustering up strength Um, actually, I wanted to talk to you. About Little FTA watching The Testaments.:I really don't want him watching Mormon movies.
SIL: sincerely Oh, yeah, that was really weird. I didn't know what to do. It was Sunday, and my kids picked that movie. I didn't want to have them watch Shrek on Sunday, but I also didn't know what to do about Little FTA. I didn't want to make him leave the room or anything!
FTA: Yeah, I'm sure that was weird. And you didn't know. I know you weren't, like, trying to do it or anything.
SIL: No, not at all.
FTA: I just don't want that again, you know? And any religion talk or questions that come up, I'd rather you just defer Little FTA to me. And I'll do the same for your kids, if something comes up.
SIL: Sure.
FTA: You know, you want to raise your kids your way, and I want to raise mine my way. And it's probably best that we just defer to each other. We believe different things, and I don't want us fighting about that. The relationship is the most important thing, and I don't want our different beliefs getting in the way.
SIL: Yes! Totally, we love you guys. And it seems like you've done a really good job with things so far.
FTA: Good. Thanks.

Pause. Heartened by how the conversation was going well so far, I continued.

FTA: And, well, with that movie, Little FTA didn't get a great message out of it. When we talked to him about it afterwards, he said the bad guy got killed by a wall falling on him, and he was bad because he said he didn't believe in God.
SIL: explaining, rather than arguing I think the point of that was more that he was bad because he was trying to get others to come to his side.
FTA: suppressing a comment about how Mormons do that all the time Okay, I could see that they movie was trying to do that. But coming to a little kid like Little FTA, it came out differently. And, well, he knows that we don't believe there is a God, so it's not a good situation to have your kid watch a movie that tells him his parents are bad guys. You know?
SIL: Oh, I can see that's not good. in a Little FTA voice Mommy, is a wall going to fall on you?
FTA: Yes, exactly. Not good.
SIL: No, I understand.
FTA: So, yeah, let's just try to defer questions. If religion comes up with your kids while Little FTA is around, just try to keep it simple, like, "This is what we believe, but others believe differently," and just send him to me. And I'll do the same for your kids.
SIL: Sure, yeah, of course.

We were then interrupted then, but I felt the conversation went as far as it needed to. I'd made it over one hurtle.

But I also knew I needed to talk to my mom about it. That Boundaries talk should have happened long ago, and now that I finally had something to precipitate it, I forced myself to bring it up.

FTA: Listen, Mom? SIL and I already talked about this, but I wanted to discuss it with you.
Mom: looks up expectantly
FTA: So, um, about Little FTA and religion. Well, if religion or religious questions come up when Little FTA is around, I'd prefer that you defer him to me. I said the same to SIL, that we'd just defer each other's kids to one another.
Mom: Well--
FTA: I just wanted to talk about it, rather than not talk about it, you know? And not leave people wondering.
Mom: Sure. Has something happened?
FTA: Well, Little FTA watched The Testaments.
Mom: apologetically I didn't know. I had been upstairs, and I came down just as it was finishing.
FTA: No, I understand, and it's not like SIL--well, it was awkward for her too.
Mom: I'm sure.
FTA: It's just that Little FTA didn't come away from it with a good message.
Mom: sympathetically Oooh.
FTA: Yeah, so, like I talked to SIL, I'd just rather leave it to the parents and try to avoid religion with the kids.
Mom: Have I done anything?
FTA: No, it's been fine. Really. We haven't felt--just the movie.
Mom: slightly annoyed I'm not trying to shove anything down his throat or anything.
FTA: No, no, I haven't felt like you have. It's just that, you know, like how I've handled it with Nephew when he had a question. I said, "Well, we believe this and you believe differently, and that's okay." You know, that's how I would want it handled.
Mom: Well, is VeggieTales okay?
FTA: Um, that'd be something I'd rather be asked about before. I'd probably have to watch it with him, to know what he's being exposed to.
Mom: looking worried that the VeggieTale veto might mean I don't believe in the Judeo-Christian God
Little FTA: interrupting I love VeggieTales!
FTA: to Little FTA I know, honey, we used to watch those a lot, huh? to Mom So, yeah.
Mom: Okay.

And that was that. We had the conversation. I'm not naive enough to think it will be the last Boundaries conversation, but at least I got it started.