Tuesday, April 15, 2008

so long

This April marks my three year anniversary of my mental break from the Mormon church. At the beginning of April, 2005, I had a near panic attack when I realized I was more of a non-believer than a believer. On the first weekend of that April I visited Target to buy normal underwear instead of watching General Conference, and within the next few days I took my garments off for the last time. It was then when my parents discovered I was questioning the church. It was the most confusing, up and down, back and forth, turmoil-filled month of my life up to that point. On the last Sunday of April, I left the Mormon church services early and have never been back.

Three years is long enough.

It's time to move on.

For over eighteen months I have kept up this blog, with frenetic energy at first, and tapering off over the most recent few months. Early on, my fingers couldn't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts and stories. I used to jot down notes when I was away from the computer, and write posts by hand during class when I was supposed to be taking notes.

When I have written recently, it's usually been a stretch to find something to write, as if I have to try to find ways Mormonism still affects me. And it does still affect me; it is a part of who I have become. Growing up Mormon and extricating myself from the church partly shapes who I am. But at some point--at this point--I want to stop thinking about it so much and just concentrate on developing who I am now, on becoming something more than an ex-Mormon.

I want to be me now.

I am happy I kept this blog, as it became a type of therapy for me, and I cherish the community and the friendships I have formed. Also, I have been touched by people who have commented and shared their own thoughts and stories, and hearing I have touched at least a few people means a great deal to me.

This blog will remain available so people can read the archives.

Thank you and goodbye.

-from the ashes


Abner Doon said...

So what you're really trying to say is, "Yeah, I was a Mormon once"? :)

I've really enjoyed your blog. I think I've read almost every post. Hopefully we'll still hear from you on the Foyer once in a while. Best of luck in whatever you decide to pursue next and congrats on your newfound freedom.

Anonymous said...

FTA - I also have found your blog interesting. I wish you well out there.

BWS =)

Mai said...

So you made it, you've arrived. And there is a reason that graduation is called commencement, beginning.

You are beginning a brave, new life and - if I may say so without sounding patronising - I'm proud of you.

I'll miss your posts; I have really looked forward to them. And I'll miss exchanging stories about the lovely young men in our lives.

On the night of April 26-27, 2006 , a year after you, a pivotal event in occured in my life. I had a major stroke and died - twice. I came back with a new, improved determination to live a truthful life, whatever that means to me. I see that same determination in you.

Perhaps you'll want to start a new blog to document your 'I used to be a Mormon ' life. Perhaps you'll share with us how you tell your family and how they react. Or perhaps you won't. In any case, this blog will remain in my Google Reader, in case you return. It's all up to you. (That line from 'The Day I Became a Sikh,' my cry of freedom!)

I end with a couple of statements from a wonderful, old, wise Sikh gentleman, Daddy, of course.

1. 'Never forget who you are, what you are and what you're about. And you'll never go too far wrong.'

2. 'Knowledge above belief, integrity above honour, and truth above all.'

Dear friend, remain in chardi kala!


Mai Harinder Kaur

Mai said...

And me being me, I forgot to subscribe. Some things never change. :)

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel, I don't have any pressing needs to talk about mormonism anymore. My blog is practically chirrping because of that. I hope I will still see you on the Foyer and in Chat once in awhile!

DDP(I am too lazy to log in)

Becca said...

I'll miss you!

Nayana Anthony said...

It has been so educational, and I will truly miss you, but...


Way to go.

Anonymous said...

I can see some great restaurants in the Bay area in the future, along with a sampling of home-brew... and bbqs and pool parties, to which you and the FTA family will be invited.

Hugs hugs.

Figaro said...

Congrats to you, FTA! I am happy that you have left it behind. Will we see you on FLAK anymore? If not, Silly and I will miss you.

NFlanders said...

Congratulations, FTA!

Your blog will be missed.

Rebecca said...

If you start a new blog I'd love to know about it! No pressure - just saying.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Best of luck to you in your journey, FtA. Lovely blog, lovely you. I hope you return someday to share more of your thoughts and self with us.

(chandelle) said...

your blog has been so enormously helpful to me. but i feel much the same way as you. my former mormon identity is still tangled up with my current one in many ways, and i've accepted that it probably always will be, but i don't have a burning need to talk about it constantly. i hope you'll still come around the foyer occasionally. good luck and congrats.

CV Rick said...

There's perfect symmetry in your blog like the journal of a religion recovery program with no meeting rooms or coffee in the back. It has a beginning, middle and an end. It tells a story and that story is over.

Perhaps you'll now start a new story.

Perhaps you'll need a new blog for it.

Thanks for putting yourself out there for us to share in your tale.

Anonymous said...

It's interesting to read thorough bits and pieces of your journey to ultimate freedom from the church. It has been three years almost exactly that I stopped teaching Relief Society. I think it is wonderful that you blogged your journey. It is extremely difficult to create an entirely different person. I have to think that I'm not too different though. I don't believe I am. Sure there are things that we change. We may start drinking alcohol or allowing our selves some simple pleasures we did not allow ourselves before for fear of God, watchful eyes, and ultimately ourselves right. I don't know. Perhaps I'm different. I was a perfectionists Mormon. I think I held myself to excruciating standards that I felt were placed on me by the church or at least my interpretation of the doctrine. I wish I would have found your blog soon.
I ran across it searching for information about the negative aspects of orthodox religions. I wont bore you with my research project and should be doing my project yet I've found myself reading over your blogs.
You have quite the life. I wish you well on your journey. I'm sure our journeys are similar. Its seems that most "once Mormon" stories are.

Wish you the best

Love Medicine said...

Your blog helped me in ways you'll never understand. I was so lost and alone, but when I read your words I felt like there was someone out there who understood. I am happy that you are moving on, as I am feeling the same pull in my own life. Writing on my blog feels strained when I talk about Mormon issues because they have faded into a corner for me. You are an amazing woman, a fantastic writer, and I wish the very best, but will feel saddened that I can no longer "stalk" you anymore :)

Aerin said...

I'm with rebecca - if you start a new blog, I'd love to hear about it. Feel free to pm me through FLAK - or my email addy (on my own blog).

Ruth said...

I came upon your blog right at the end. Its good you are leaving the archives up. So many of us can learn from your journey. Good luck on your next steps.

Colleen said...

I've enjoyed your writing and insights. Thank you for sharing your journey.

eleka nahmen said...

I'm entirely sad that I just barely ran across your blog.. I would love to have been able to follow the devolution that sounds so similar to my own. Good luck with life and everything!

KingM said...

Crap. So I don't visit for a few weeks and come back to find that you're checking out.

Seriously, it sounds like you're in a good place. Good luck to you and the family and keep in touch.

Steve-o said...

I discovered your blog a week ago, and over the past week, I've read just about everything you wrote. Thank you for sharing yourself and your experiences with us. I hope that you'll someday write more or share with us a new blog where you'll continue to share your life with us.

Congratulations on moving to a stage in your life where who you are is no longer defined by what you believe or used to believe. I wish you all the best.