immorality education

Like other Mormon young women (doesn't everyone else call them teenagers or youth?), I had the importance of "morality" drilled into me. Morals and ethics are fine things, but in Mormon parlance, "morality" means one thing: abstinence from sex. Conversely, "immorality" means having sex. Why the terms took on such specific meanings I cannot fathom, and I believe it creates a skewed idea of what morality actually is, but that's not the topic of this post. What I want to talk about is the Mormon version of teaching youth about sex.

As a youth, I was taught that immorality (which I always had to sort out in my head as different from immortality, another hot topic in Mormon churches) was bad, bad, bad, to be avoided at all costs, and just downright bad. Fornication was listed as the third worst sin, after murder (number two), and denying the Spirit (whatever that means). How messed up is that? Also, if you were "immoral," you were unworthy to go to the temple. And it was the temple where you wanted to get married, to start your eternal family, so you had better avoid immorality!

And how to avoid it? By staying as far away from it as possible. How? Not dating until you were at least 16, not entertaining dirty thoughts, not reading dirty romances, not watching rated-R movies, not watching dirtier PG-13 movies, not having a steady boyfriend until after high school, not single-dating, not staying out past midnight ("When the holy Ghost goes to bed!"), and not going to parties where the parents wouldn't be there. Don't masturbate would've been on the list, had any of our leaders imagined that, yes, females masturbate, too. But they didn't.

Oh, and all the do's, too: Go to seminary, stay worthy of the Spirit, read your scriptures, say your prayers, attend church every week, go to Young Women's activity nights, befriend only people with your same standards (read: Molly Mormons, and only Mormons), listen to good music, read worthy books, and always dream of the day you will be sealed in the temple to a worthy return missionary!

I remember my dad's explanation behind waiting until you were 16 to date: You start dating, hanging out with people you like, and you're going to want to move to the next step--holding hands. Pretty soon, holding hands won't be enough, so you'll want to move on to hugging. Then little kisses. Then even that will get boring, and you'll want to kiss more. Maybe even make-out. And making out will lead to heavier making out, and before you know it, you're clothes are off and you've blown (heh) you're chance at happiness (e.g., temple marriage). So don't start dating early, and don't be alone with your date, until, oh, you're married, mmkay?

Oh, and if you are "immoral" with that 18-year old, you'll prevent him from going on his mission, so not only will you have ruined his life, but you'll have stopped him from teaching all those people he would have converted had he only stayed worthy, you slut!

Did we get any lessons about STDs? Teen pregnancy? How hard it is to be a teen mother? How to deal with the emotions around having sex? Birth control? HIV? Where to get condoms and how to put them on? How to negotiate safe sex with your partner? How anal and oral sex can still spread diseases, if not pregnancy? Nope, nope, nope.

How to say no to a boy? How to be confident and strong? How we have the right to say when and where and how and with whom? No way. How about sexual abuse? Rape? Incest? How to deal with those? Where to seek help? Nope. What to do if you find yourself pregnant? The teachers were eerily silent on the issues.

Instead, it was simple: Stay clean, stay worthy, and all will be well and you'll live happily ever after in your perfect temple marriage. Slip up, and you're screwed (heh). And left to wallow in your guilt for having sexual impulses.

That is, being a completely normal human being.

what women know

I commented before about the 1950's-era talk given in LDS general conference recently, and how people criticizing it got a slap on the wrist, as it were, in subsequent church meetings. The church can believe and teach what it wants, but in teaching the kinds of things about women (and men) that the church is teaching, they are ignoring what women (and men) really are. And therefore hurting them, even the very people who want to be Mormon.

Well, people are stepping up and have written a response. It's beautiful and powerful, and it shows that a lot of Mormon women--faithful, liberal, and ex--are thinking, and not just obeying blindly. It takes guts for faithful Mormon women and men to sign their names, at the risk of church discipline, and I applaud them. They are seeking signatures from people who can show their support in that manner (I know there are many reasons to be anonymous on the web, both the 'nacle and the DAMU).

I added my name. Check it out.

free speech in Mormonism

I haven't commented on Julie Beck's recent LDS General Conference talk that told women that homemaking, nurturing, and house chores are their highest calling. Aspiring to have a life outside the home is apparently ungoddess-like, and while I, as a faithful Mormon, aspired anyway, I always felt very conflicted about it. It wasn't until I was out of Mormonism that I was actually comfortable with pursuing my master's degree with the idea that I'd actually get a full-time job afterward.

Anyway, many Mormon people in various stages of faith and non-belief have spoken up about Beck's talk since that first weekend in October. Since then, Boyd Packer, one of the church's highest leaders, has made comments that appear to chastise the women and men who have criticized the seemingly 1950's-era talk. Packer quoted a scripture that basically called the critics (both faithful and exmo) "children of disobedience" and "servants of sin." (The scripture's context appears to me to be regarding people accusing Joseph of polygamy, but never mind that for now.)

Hellmut over at Main Street Plaza has written a more extensive post than I have, and I want to bring attention to it. Every Mormon, faithful, doubting, ex-, or post- should have the right to speak freely, even if that means criticizing leaders, their opinions, policies, and doctrine. Period.

visiting churches

In the spring of my disaffection from the church, and the summer following, I started to visit other churches. It never occurred to me at that point that I would stop going to church altogether, so I was looking for a substitute. Something more comfortable, more inspiring, more fulfilling than Mormon church services. This is a little run-down of my impressions of the religious communities I attended in my summer of exploration.

Episcopal

We chose a local episcopal congregation really because a friend of ours played the organ there some weeks. I liked the services well enough, especially since I was still a believer in Jesus' divinity, and I don't mind some ritual now and then. The music was a whole lot better than in Mormon services, what with the skilled organist, the acoustics, and the paid choir. I was also pleased to see a woman and a gay man as priests.

The people in the congregation were thrilled to see new people, and were very friendly after the service during coffee hour. (Coffee hour! At a church! I loved it.) A couple of them did approach us about becoming members or attending regularly, but not in a pushy way. When I said, "We're shopping around," everyone understood and appreciated the desire to try out lots of churches before settling in to one.

Catholic

When some neighbor-friends of ours heard that we had dropped the Mormon church and were checking out other ones, they invited us to church with them. There was never an option in our minds to become Catholics (the whole women-can't-be-priests thing sounds way too familiar), but we wanted to be polite, and we were curious to see how they worship anyway. This particular church caters to a more liberal, young crowd, and is sometimes jokingly called "Catholicism lite." The inside of the church was quite simple, nothing like some of the cathedrals I've seen.

The priest gave a fairly liberal sermon (they're not called sermons in Catholicism, are they?) about doubting and crises of faith--and how they are perfectly acceptable and even good. That warmed my heart to hear that, knowing how Mormonism vilifies doubt and wants not faith, but knowledge, of its members. Looking back at that, I see that encouraging doubt was probably also a way of getting people to turn off their rationality, since virgin birth, transubstantiation, and man-as-god are all pretty hard to swallow.

The couple took us out to lunch afterward (yes, on a Sunday) and we continued to hang out with them the rest of the summer, barbecuing and drinking beer on the warm nights. They never bothered us to come with them again, and they didn't shun us when we didn't want to come again.

Islam

Some other neighbor-friends invited us to the local mosque for Friday services. One of the couple converted to Islam from Lutheranism, the other was a Islamic scholar from central Asia. We were pretty familiar with Islam already, but, again, I was curious, so we went. I borrowed some clothes, a long-sleeved, loose tunic and a head scarf, from another Muslim neighbor, and Mr. FTA, I think, put on an embroidered cap. I have very little trouble about head scarves; it's the more extreme clothing restrictions that are frustratingly misogynist. When we got to the mosque, the guys went to the main room where the iman was, and the women went upstairs to the women's section. There was a speaker so the women could hear. I stayed in the back for the actual prayer, then sat on the floor for the iman's lesson (sermon?). I didn't like the sermon. It was all about how great God is, and how he has been worshiped for all eternity by the angels, and still, that is not enough. I don't understand such a god.

The separation of men and women bothered me, even though I knew that's what they did before I went. (I've seen other mosques where women aren't allowed at all.) It also bothered me that some of the women didn't pray because they were on their monthly cycles. It strikes me as so misogynist, calling women's natural system impure. Afterwards, they took us to lunch, along with two other couples, including the iman. Seemingly automatically, the men sat down at one table and got deep into conversation about theology, and the women and children sat at another.

Friends (Quaker)

I found out one of my colleagues attends the local Friends meeting, so we stopped in one day. There was no way our kids were going to sit there in silence for an hour, so my husband offered to take them outside to the playground. Normally, they have a class for kids, but not in the summer.

The meeting consisted of everyone sitting silently in chairs, which circled the small, plain room. There was no pulpit or central focus; this is meant to emphasis the egalitarian philosophy. I enjoyed the quiet, and let my mind wonder. I though mostly about my journey out of Mormonism. It felt something like fast and testimony meeting, those moments where everyone sits there, no one wanting to get up to speak. Except no one was uncomfortable about the fact that no one was getting up. Eventually, someone spoke. It was the Sunday before the 4th of July, and he talked about how that holiday created cognitive dissonance for him--the independence we celebrate came through war (Quakers are, of course, peace-loving). It was refreshing to hear someone express that; in my experience, Mormon services in July were so blindly patriotic it was scary.

Unitarian Universalism

I've already mentioned the UU services before. I loved going there the first time I went, and I still love it when I go. If I ever join a religious community, that would be the one. But not yet. I just can't commit anywhere yet. The feeling of obligation is too much right now, and always brings flashbacks to Mormon callings and spiritual manipulation. I know I wouldn't get that at the UU, but still. It's not time yet.

In that summer of exploration, we also simply didn't go to church much of the time. We instead enjoyed the nice weather, and went to the park. Or slept in, and lounged around in pajamas. It was wonderful.

One Sunday morning in September, I asked my husband, "So where should we go today?" He gave me a look, and I understood. He didn't want to go anywhere. He was done with church. I, for some reason, wasn't ready to go alone, so I stopped shopping around. I was comfortable with taking a break, perhaps a very long break, from church. Besides, I had just started some new work that often demanded my time on Sundays. And so the shopping around period ended. I still pop into the UU services from time to time. But mostly, I like having Sunday mornings to ourselves.

instrinsic/extrinsic religious motivation

The depression and Mormon women study I mentioned previously used a specific scale, a set of questions, each of which is scored, then added up to reach a final number indicating strength of intrinsic versus extrinsic religiosity. This is the Intrinsic Religious Motivation scale, based on an earlier study.*

Intrinsic religiosity refers to internal motivation for being religious, such as belief in God, inner peace and happiness, connection with the divine, etc.

Extrinsic religiosity refers to external motivation for being religious, such as meeting people, community conformity, family pressure, heritage, etc.

A person can, of course, be religious both intrinsically and extrinsically. Hence the scale, which allows someone to fall anywhere on a range.

The questions asked in the women and depression study were as follows.**

-My faith involves all my life.
strongly agree; agree; disagree; strongly disagree

-One should seek God's guidance when making every important decision.
strongly agree; agree; disagree; strongly disagree

-In my life I experience the presence of the Divine.
strongly agree; agree; disagree; strongly disagree

-My faith sometimes restricts my actions.
strongly agree; agree; disagree; strongly disagree

-Nothing is as important to me as serving God as best I know how.
strongly agree; agree; disagree; strongly disagree

-I try hard to carry my religion over into all my other dealings.
strongly agree; agree; disagree; strongly disagree

-My religious beliefs are what really lie behind my whole approach to life.
strongly agree; agree; disagree; strongly disagree

-It doesn't matter so much what I believe as long as I lead a moral life.
strongly disagree; disagree; agree; strongly agree

-Although I am a religious person, I refuse to let religious considerations influence my everyday affairs.
strongly disagree; disagree; agree; strongly agree

-Although I believe in my religion, I feel there are many more important things in life.
strongly disagree; disagree; agree; strongly agree

Add it up as follows:
For items 1-7: strongly agree (1); agree (2); disagree (3); strongly disagree (4).
For items 8-10, it reverses: strongly disagree (1); disagree (2); agree (3); strongly agree (4).

The higher the score, the higher the extrinsic religiosity. Remember, in the Mormon/depression study, those with higher extrinsic religiosity had slightly more depression.

My question about this is how well this works for Mormons. The types of Mormons I see as having more extrinsic religiosity would be NOMs, liberal Mormons, fringe Mormons, cultural Mormons, social Mormons, etc. Would this scale tease out these types of people from the rest of Mormons? And would it differentiate them from each other? And how particular is it to Mormons?

For example, Mormons do not generally speak in terms of the "the Divine." Questions that use "Heavenly Father" our "the Lord" might be more appropriate. Also, this question, "My faith sometimes restricts my actions" might be misinterpreted by Mormons in the same way that "I can't...I'm Mormon" T-shirts were. That is, some Mormons may let religion restrict their actions, but don't see it as restriction. They might, therefore, misinterpret this question negatively. On the other hand, this question is ambiguous all around. I can see some with intrinsic religiosity saying, "strongly agree," and feel happy about it, but also someone with extrinsic religiosity saying, "strongly agree," but feelings very unhappy about it. For example, a faithful non-believer might want to drink alcohol, but doesn't in order to keep up appearances, and keep the faithful spouse happy.

Before I came across this study, I hashed together some questions of my own, which would attempt to find NOMs (those who attend/practice, usually but not always, for extrinsic reasons, but don't believe, ). The questions are rather crude, but it was interesting to try to figure out how to measure such things in a simple survey.

1. Of the following, which best reflects how often you attend LDS church services, including other church activities (Enrichment, Primary, YW/YM, meetings, etc.)?

1) a few times a year

2) once a month

3) two to three times a month

4) every week, or nearly every week

5) more than once a week

2. Of the following, which best reflects the reason you attend LDS church services?

1) I attend to keep my marriage together.

2) I attend to please my spouse or parents.

3) I attend for social reasons, or because it is community and/or heritage.

4) I attend because I believe it will bring the greatest happiness in this life and the next.

5) I attend because I know it will bring the greatest happiness in this life and the next.

3. Of the following, which best reflects your current testimony of the LDS church and teachings?

1) I believe the church is not true and not led by God.

2) I have serious questions or doubts, but ultimately I believe it’s true and led by God.

3) I believe the church is true and led by God, even though I may have some questions about certain issues.

4) I believe the church is true and led by God.

5) I know the church is true and led by God.

4. Of the following, which best reflects how well you think your beliefs would be approved of by the rest of your ward or the church at large?

1) Not at all. If I expressed my true thoughts about the church during church, most people would disapprove of what I say and I could be disciplined and/or ostracized.

2) Very little. If I expressed my true thoughts about the church during church, most people would disapprove of what I say and counter my statements with mainstream teachings or testimony-bearing.

3) Somewhat. If I expressed my true thoughts about the church during church, some people would verbally approve and some would verbally disapprove of what I say.

4) Quite a lot. If I expressed my true thoughts about the church during church, almost everybody would verbally approve of what I say.

I included the last question to get at people who may be NOM, but are more comfortable in that role, possibly because their ward is more liberal in general anyway. For example, someone who doesn't believe at all could still answer "quite a lot" on the last question.

It would be interesting to do a study on Mormons and depression, really teasing out differences of religiosity that simply asking "What is your religious affiliation?" would not allow.

*Hoge, D. A Validated Intrinsic Religious Motivation Scale. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, Vol. 11, No. 4. (Dec., 1972), pp. 369-376.
**As far as I could tell. The Spendlove study simply referenced the Hoge study, but the latter study has 30 questions, and recommends use of 10 of them. It is unclear whether the Mormon/depression study used all 30 or just the 10.

mormon women and depression

I had already written this post, but a couple of posts by a fellow exmo, Within the Bubble, prompted me to post this now (see his story and more general ideas about mental illness among Mormons).

For a while now, I've been interested in this idea thrown around among Mormons that Mormon women or Utah women have a higher rate of anti-depressant use than the rest of the country. It is bandied about by believers to criticize the super-mom syndrome that, they would say, Mormon culture encourages, but that the True Gospel discourages. It is mentioned by non-believers to support how Mormonism messes women up. I've heard this many times, but I have never heard it backed up by references. It seems to have taken on the status of mythology. Does anyone have any references?

I've been wanting to find out more if any actual research has been done on this. So recently, I poked around at some peer-reviewed literature on Mormons. I found one 1984 study* done on Mormon women and depression (not saying there aren't more, but this is the one I found in my non-thorough looking).

In it, 143 Mormon women and 36 non-Mormon women in Salt Lake were interviewed by phone, and were asked about religiosity and depression, along with some demographic questions (income, number and ages of children, etc). To assess depression, the interviewers used the Beck depression inventory, which is still used today and considered accurate. To assess religiosity, interviewers asked about frequency of church attendance, temple attendance, and prayer, and also "religious motivation."

This study found that there was no difference in the percent of each group of women with regards to current depression, as assessed by the Beck inventory, over the phone. Both groups had about 23% depressed women. Among the LDS women, those who were less educated, felt less caring from a spouse, rated their health poor or fair, and had lower incomes were statistically more likely to be depressed. No surprises there. I would think these hold true for any female, American population.

There were also some intriguing differences among LDS women on some other factors, but none of them were statistically significant (that is, the differences might be only random, not real, because of the sample--but they might be worth studying more). For example, among LDS women, these women were more likely to be depressed:

-infrequent church attenders
-frequent temple attenders
-infrequent pray-ers
-those with non-Mormon husbands
-those with extrinsic religious motivation

Now, it would be easy for a believer to look at this and say, "See, we need to go to church and pray more, just like the leaders say!" But I would posit that depression related to infrequent prayer and attendance are not causal, but only correlated. In fact, this study simply cannot tell us which came first--the depression or the infrequent attendance/prayer. It could be that people who are depressed go to church and pray less often because of depression (likely). Or it could be that people who go to church and pray less often get depression because of not praying and going to church (not likely). Most likely of all, there is a very complicated relationship, involving many other factors that aren't taken into account here. For example, a third factor could be causing them both, i.e., religious doubt and disaffection could lead someone to skip church and experience depression.

Intuitively, one would think that frequency of church attendance, temple attendance, and prayer would all go together--but they don't in this study. This anomaly could be due to the methodological inadequacies of this study, though I am tempted to wonder if frequent temple attenders are depressed and desperately seeking some respite through temple visits. It could be the other way around--that temple attendance is causing depression--but, as much as I would like to believe that, I doubt it.

It does make sense that women with non-Mormon husbands would experience a greater degree of stress, and perhaps depression, given the emphasis placed on the importance of temple marriage, etc. (See my previous post about Mormon marriage and divorce.)

But it's the last one, the extrinsic religious motivation, that intrigues me the most. Simply put, those who attend church because of reasons outside themselves--social life, conformity, family pressure, etc.--had more depression (but not significantly so, remember) than those who attended for their own, internal beliefs --faith in God, it brings inner peace, etc. I wonder if "extrinsic religious motivation" parallels some of the Bloggernacle/DAMU terms we use--New Order Mormon, faithful non-believer, liberal Mormon, etc. If so, are NOMs more likely to be depressed? And why? Is it because of the stress and identity issues of being in the non-believer's closet, as they generally are? Is it related to cognitive dissonance? Is it related to spousal troubles, since many NOMs aren't just ex-mos because of a faithful spouse? Or is the faithful who are more depressed, driving themselves batty trying to live the gospel just right?

So I decided to check out the questions used by this study to measure this aspect of religiosity, wondering if the questions get at situations unique to Mormonism. (In another post.)

*Spendlove, et al. Risk Factors and the Prevalence of Depression in Mormon Women. Social Science & Medicine, Vol 18, No 6, pp.491-495, 1984. If you want a pdf, email me at fromtheashesblog@gmail.com

polygamy

For me, polygamy was the most awful of all things Mormon, all growing up. I tried and tried to think of the idea of having to live polygamy in the Celestial Kingdom--and found it abhorrent. Surely God wouldn't make me? Surely D&C just meant that some people would live it, just the ones that wanted to? Right? Like all those people in Africa that practice it anyway?

It just doesn't jive with the equality of men and women. One man-four women is inherently unequal. That seems to mean that each woman is worth only a fourth of what the man is worth. I can't accept that. But I grinned and bore it, and put it on the back burner. I manipulated my boyfriend (now husband) into promising he wouldn't ever marry after I died, so I wouldn't have a co-wife. (Sorry, BTW.)

I thought that Heavenly Father really had told Joseph Smith to practice polygamy, for some reason I couldn't comprehend. I even heard about polyandry and figured there must be some divine reason.

Then I read Mormon Enigma. The way Smith lied, manipulated, etc--in order to get sex and exert power--was just too much. No way that came from God. I started to believe polygamy came from nowhere but Joe's horniness, wild ideas, and thirst for power.

And that created a conundrum for me. How in the world could the prophet of God do such a thing? Could he still be prophet after doing that? Was he prophet only before that, and the power got to him, and he screwed up? Could I reject everything he taught after that (like all that weird stuff in the Pearl of Great Price)? My head whirled around and around like that until I read about the Book of Mormon (non)historicity, the Book of Abraham "translation," Smith's mistaking of the Kinderhoek plates as authentic, the evolving theology of the first vision(s), and the priesthood "restoration." The foundational claims of the church? They have no foundation.

And I stopped believing altogether. So polygamy didn't exactly help me stop believing--I did all sorts of mental gymnastics around it--but it was a major factor to help me stop wanting to be a Mormon.