telling an old friend

I have one friend from childhood with whom I keep in fairly good contact, but I have never had the heart or guts to tell her about my changed beliefs. Though we keep in contact over email, I recently connected with her on of those connect-with-old-friends sites online. After I saw that she was on that site, I noticed also there's a place to indicate religion.

I could've put something equivocal or vague, I could've left it blank; I could not comfortably put LDS, though the church still lists me as one of theirs. In a gutsy moment of not wanting to hide my beliefs anymore, I entered "secular humanist" for myself. I'm not stupid; she's not stupid. I'd figured she'd see it before too long and notice that I didn't put LDS. It wasn't in order to give her a hint; it was just me not wanting to hide it anymore. Then again, maybe I wanted her to find me out.

So on Good Friday, I went to work to get a few hours in while the office was quiet. The whole place was empty except for the one cubicle right next to mine. I sat down and quickly checked my email before starting work. This friend had emailed and asked, ever so casually, what a secular humanist is.

It was time for The Talk. Or, since I'm a wuss, The Email. I knew I wouldn't be able to get any work done, because I would take a long time writing and editing the email, then be upset that I just ruined her weekend.

In the email, I referred her to an online explanation of secular humanism,* and wrote

As you can tell, the tenets don't jive well with Mormonism. Which is to say Mormonism doesn't jive well with me. I didn't drop Mormonism for humanism, but over time I realized that what I hold to and understand as right and moral is summed up well with humanism.

I assured her I am willing to talk about it, but also understand if she finds it too upsetting to talk about. I apologized for not opening up until now, two years after my world crashed down on me. I explained that keeping this secret was not because I was afraid she'd end our friendship, but because it is just very, very hard to tell people whom you know it will hurt.

As I sat there, typing that in, I giant sob threatened to burst out of me. Knowing a near stranger was three feet away, I clapped my hand over my mouth and let an internal, silent scream rack my body, and some tears rolled down from my eyes. This was not a conversation I wanted to have at all, and not over email. But perhaps email is easier to deal with than face-to-face. I don't know. I've never actually told any faithful Mormons face-to-face.

I went on to tell her

But I want you to understand that I feel great about my decisions. I don't feel lost or confused, or that I am doing something wrong. I didn't leave because I was offended, or I wanted to break commandments. I left because I simply don't believe the church's truth claims anymore, and I don't feel the church is the best place for me and my family. I recognize that the church is a fine enough place for many people; just not for me.

I concluded by referring her to When a Loved One Has Let Go of the Iron Rod and repeating that I was sorry and that I loved her. And now I wait to see what she'll say, if anything.

*After reading the entry, I realized perhaps I'm leaning toward religious humanism, or just humanism. I'll have to explore that some more.